Steve

Legacy

2012-01-23T15:53:00.000-06:00

I met a woman last week who had been a colleague of Steve's. She hugged me tight and told me that she loved Steve. That everyone loved Steve.

Never underestimate the power of kind words.

***

We've lived without Steve for almost two and a half years. And yet there are little moments when I somehow forget.

Like today, when I was grocery shopping, and I spied Spicy Hot V8, which Steve loved to drink. For a tiny second, I thought, "I should buy some of that. I haven't in a while." And then, of course, I remembered that no one in the house drinks Spicy Hot V8 anymore.

So I took a photo ...

and headed straight for the floral department, where I bought myself some roses.

Today that seemed the logical thing to do.

***

One of Katie's sweet first-grade friends played at our house Saturday. I was downstairs, they were upstairs, but their conversation was clear.

Katie showed her friend something.

"That was my Dad's," she said.

Her friend, in reply, "You don't have a dad."

Katie, without drama, just the facts, "Yes I do! Everyone has a dad. Mine died. But I have a dad."

Katie and Steve, October 2008, eight months after diagnosis

Village

2012-01-16T18:49:00.000-06:00

Nothing about being a single mom is the way I envisioned life for our family. There are moments, sometimes hours that stretch into a day, when I feel fully the weight of being the only living parent to two wonderfully wise (and active and inquisitive) children.

Parenting -- whether with an involved spouse or not -- is emotionally draining and emotionally rewarding work. Parenting children through various stages of grief on top of various stages of typical development is even more so. Parenting when you're dealing with your own grief adds a little more complexity.

And then there's the business of running a household and working and exercising and volunteering. Juggling all of that -- well, when I think about it, that's when I feel fully the weight.

But I'm never carrying the weight all by myself, because Cooper, Katie and I are members of an incredible village of folks who are in the business of love and support and practical help.

I hesitate to make a list for fear I'll forget someone, but I do want to share a snapshot of just the past week or so.

Katie, Cooper, Mike and the banjo

Neighbor Mike opened his garage workshop to guide Cooper through the creation of a handmade banjo. (Cooper's science assignment was to create a musical instrument. He had ambitious plans.)
Sarah spent one of her rare weekdays off at the house, cooking, playing and visiting.
The Chollicks brought Cooper home from a party while I was working.
Jim and Betty cooked and delivered dinner and visited on a particularly busy day.
Kristin shared homemade spaghetti sauce and pasta.
Sharon took care of Cooper and Katie so I could attend a church committee meeting. (And brought with her two books that are now in heavy rotation.)
Melinda shared chicken tacos.
Scout dads shepherded Cooper through a winter Webelos campout.

Some of the help I ask for. Some of it is offered out of the blue. All of it is sincerely appreciated and helps keep this little family running smoothly.

I often think of the families who don't have so much help, the single moms who don't live in a community surrounded by folks with time and resources to offer. I know that, despite our heavy loss, we are blessed.

No one would choose these circumstances. But I would choose this village every single time.

Cooper and Katie at the Steve Damm Spot, Jan. 8, 2012

Good morning

2012-01-09T12:48:00.000-06:00

I'm having email trouble, so I rebuilt the inbox, which means I rediscovered some old emails.

One was a simple note from Steve: "Good morning."

Along with this photo of the sun rising over Lewisville Lake.

Steve took the photo on Nov. 3, 2007, at Hidden Cove Park. He and Cooper were at a Cub Scout overnight camp. It was the first camping trip that they took together. We had no idea that it would be the only camping trip they'd take on their own. We had no idea that there was a tumor lurking in Steve's brain stem, on the verge of showing symptoms impossible to ignore.

This photo breaks my heart. Steve and Cooper were an incredible team. As Cooper finishes his last few weeks of Cub Scouts and begins the process of becoming a Boy Scout, I can't help but wonder about what could have been had incurable cancer not invaded Steve's body. I've done my best in helping Cooper in his Cub Scout journey, and we've been blessed to have help from Jim and Jim and Greg, plus Bill and Wade and Layne and Brian and Rodney and other awesome dads. But, gracious, I wish Cooper had had Steve helping him all along.

And yet I love this photo because it's another tangible reminder of how much Steve loved our children and the earth and beauty. Of how thoughtful he was.

And it's a tangible reminder that the sun comes up every day, that every day we have a new opportunity to make life better for ourselves and others.

"Let us know, let us press on to know the Lord;

his appearing is as sure as the dawn;

he will come to us like the showers,

like the spring rains that water the earth."

(Hosea 6:3)

Happy new year!

2012-01-01T13:22:00.000-06:00

Happy new year from our family to you!

2012 Head for the Cure: Register now and save

2011-12-29T08:46:00.000-06:00

Last May about 80 people joined the Run for Steve Damm team and participated in the inaugural Head for the Cure 5K in Frisco.

It was an inspiring day! Cooper, Katie and I loved being surrounded by so many family members and friends in an effort to raise money to defeat brain tumors.

Registration is now open for the 2012 Head for the Cure 5K. I have already registered me, Cooper and Katie on the Run for Steve Damm team, and I hope at least 100 folks will join us.

If you register before this Sunday, you'll save $5 on registration.

The details:

Head for the Cure 5K (and fun run for children)
Money raised goes to Brain Tumor Trials Collaborative in an effort to defeat brain tumors.
8 a.m., Saturday, May 12, 2012 (with separate start times for runners and walkers -- you don't have to be a runner to join us!)
Frisco Square, Frisco, Texas
When you register, choose the team option and choose "Run for Steve Damm"
Click here to read more about the event.
Click here to begin registration.
Email Tyra at tyradamm@gmail.com if you have any questions!

Merry Christmas!

2011-12-25T19:38:00.002-06:00

The perfect antidote to missing Steve on our third Christmas without him: these two spirited, joyful, sweet souls. Eighteen years ago today, Steve asked me to marry him. I thought his proposal was the best Christmas gift I could ever receive. That was before we had Cooper and Katie and the realization that children are perpetually the best gifts.

***

We discovered this note and a stocking filled with goodies for me on the front porch this morning. Thank you, mysterious elf!

***

Cooper this morning: "I wonder what Christmas in heaven is like." (pause) "I'll bet Daddy is dancing right now."

Worldly wise

2011-12-12T22:14:00.000-06:00

This blog launched four years ago today.

Thank you, dear blog readers, for being a part of our lives the past four years. Thank you for praying with us and for us, for voting on names for the despicable tumor and Steve's snazzy walker, for posting notes of encouragement and advice.

***

Last night I was working on deadline from home, waiting for a certain football game to end so that I could copy edit a news story about the (ultimately disappointing) game. While waiting, I exchanged text messages with Julie.

I noted that exactly four years ago at that moment, I was on the phone with someone -- could have been one of any number of kind people I called to "interview" that night -- to gather information about what to do about a mass in Steve's brain stem.

I talked to doctors and journalists and cancer survivors and brain tumor survivors. Not a single one a stranger. Everyone of them a friend. (One of countless signs of God in the midst of the crisis.)

Cooper was 6. Katie was 2.

Katie at 6 now is so different than Coop at 6 then. She is exponentially more wise to the world now than he was then.

She learned at a young age how to adjust to changes -- different people helping with preschool drop-off and pick-up, nap and bedtime routines. Our circle of caregivers necessarily grew to trusted folks -- family members and friends who are family.

Her memories of life before Steve's cancer are fuzzy, mostly limited to family stories and photos.

She grew up thinking that it's normal for a parent to spend days at a time in a hospital or weeks at a time in a hospital bed at home. And that it's typical for a parade of generous people to deliver dinners and pecan pie.

She's learned that in crisis, we rely on strength from within and on help from loved ones and on strength from God.

She knows that death is inevitable. That death is permanent. That life is extra special.

My friend Kerith reminded me tonight that while Katie is more worldly wise, she's also stronger than she would have been otherwise.

To be honest, I would have preferred she gain her strength an entirely different way. But I'm also thankful that of the many possible directions our lives could have taken after Steve's death, this is the direction we're in. That I get to be Katie's mom and Cooper's mom. That I am allowed to guide these two worldly wise and strong souls.

Cooper & Katie, Dec. 11, 2011

On Steve's bench, Holy Covenant UMC, Carrollton

Strength

2011-12-04T21:38:00.000-06:00

Looming on my calendar: Dec. 11 and the words "First MRI day."

Dec. 11, 2007, was the day that Steve and I stood next to a radiologist in a dark room at Baylor Frisco and stared at an image showing a lesion in Steve's brain stem.

Since that day I have had a handful of breakdowns -- moments in which I was unable to function. These breakdowns lasted at most 20 minutes.

The first was just after Steve's biopsy, when the neurosurgeon explained to me and Steve's parents and brother that preliminary results indicated a grade IV glioblastoma, a diagnosis that offered very, very little hope. My sobs in the middle of an M.D. Anderson waiting room were uncontrollable.

The last (so far) was in the moments after Steve died. And a few hours later, when I woke from an involuntary nap and realized all over again that Steve had died.

I've made countless mistakes in the past four years. I've cried more days than I haven't. I've complained to the folks who I know don't mind listening to my complaints.

Still, I marvel at the strength that has propelled me through the past four years, more than half of it now without my person, my Steve, by my side.

It's strength that I know, without question, comes from God.

This morning I led my junior high Sunday school class through a lesson on prayer. We talked about the power of prayer, not in terms of what it moves God to do but what it moves us to do.

We talked about a two-way conversation with God, in which we pray and then listen for God's response.

Of my many prayers this week, one is thanksgiving for a never-ceasing supply of strength. Another is thanksgiving for God's steadfastness and consistency and endurance while we struggle with turmoil and tragedy and uncertainty.

I hope to do a better-than-usual job of waiting for God's reply.

"I can do all things through Him who strengthens me."

(Philippians 4:13)

Couples bunco

2011-12-01T21:15:00.000-06:00

I've been part of a neighborhood bunco group, started by friend Jackie, for more than six years.

2008 version of our group

Twelve women meet in someone's home once a month. We visit, eat dinner and then roll dice. Winners and the biggest losers take home prizes.

It's been a wonderful way to turn neighbors into friends. (In fact, this circle of friends was integral in supporting our family while Steve was ill and while we mourned his death.)

December is always couples bunco. Husbands come along for the feast and stay to play, with spouses alternating turns at the table.

Steve loved couples bunco. He loved visiting with neighbors and being silly and working hard to roll three sixes.

I no longer love couples bunco, in the same way that I don't love parties at which I'm the only one without a significant other. Steve was definitely the more social member of this marriage. He thrived on interaction with lots of people, whereas I'm often exhausted by it. (In Myers-Briggs lingo, he was an E and I am an I.)

But I don't dread it this year like I did in 2009. I really am happy to go and visit and eat and roll some dice.

As I was pushing Cooper toward bed tonight, I told him that bunco is tomorrow night.

"Is it couples bunco?" he asked.

"Yes!"

"Oh, Mommy, I'm sorry."

"Why? I'm looking forward to it."

"Well, 'cause you know, Daddy. You don't have Daddy to go with you."

At this moment I was thinking of how sensitive my 10-year-old son is. And then ...

"I mean, everyone else will be hugging all the time and you won't have anyone to hug."

At this moment I burst into laughter, imagining what Cooper must think couples bunco is all about.

Steve would have laughed, too.

Found

2011-11-29T09:42:00.004-06:00

We spent most of Thanksgiving break at Rich and Ami's home in Austin. (You can read about our traditional-yet-evolving feast here.)

On Friday we were joined by Tim and Cheryl and most of their crew of (adult) kids and grandkids. It was wonderful to spend time with family members we hadn't seen in a while. Cousin Jamie gave me an old photo (circa 1999, we think) that I'd never seen.

The photo was taken in the Morgan's Point Resort living room of my beloved grandparents. Our theory is that we were playing charades -- it looks like Melane is writing phrases and Steve is thinking of phrases to write. (Games were a big part of life at Gramma and Grandpa's house.)

I love the photo for so many reasons, including some noted here. (You'll need to click on the photo for a larger view to appreciate all the details.) (And I've labeled the dolls as Barty & Batista, but that may actually be Antonio, not Barty.)

Thankful

2011-11-24T14:54:00.001-06:00

On this third Thanksgiving without Steve, I am thankful for the children we share and 17 years of memories to last a lifetime and love that lives.

And I miss Steve.

43 acts of kindness (part 19)

2011-11-11T10:02:00.000-06:00

Here are some of the acts of kindness that Cooper, Katie and I performed in memory of our sweet, mischievous, amazing Steve.

On the eve of Steve's 43rd birthday, Katie wrote a note to her Daddy, attached it to a balloon and released it to the night sky.

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Gave gift cards to cashiers at Target, Lowe's and Kroger.

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Katie left stickers in the Bledsoe front office for younger siblings who visit school.

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Cooper left a candy bar in a friend's desk.

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Cooper gave a Big Game Iowa football to a huge Iowa fan. (Special thanks to the Calandros for the football.)

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Delivered plants to a nearby nursing home and asked that they be given to two residents who need a little extra cheer.

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Katie crisscrossed our street on the way to school and moved newspapers from front lawns to front doors. (It was really cold that morning!)

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Bought coffee for strangers throughout the week.

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Handed out bottles of water to folks we met throughout the day.

43 acts of kindness (part 18)

2011-11-11T09:13:00.000-06:00

I'm leaving a Whole Foods gift card in my mailbox for our letter carrier today. She always is so nice and I don't thank her enough for what she does.

***

I have been bad about my acts of kindness, cuz we've been mostly the recipients of superawesome kindness for the past week.

We lost power at 6:30 on Saturday, the 29th and still don't have it back. Aaaaahhhhh. And we're on well water, so with no power, we have no water.

But we've been bunking up at Alicia's fancy all-girls boarding school that's on generator power. There's a building on campus that was a dorm at some point and they're renovating it. It's like a little house, but there's no furniture. We're in a bedroom on air mattresses. For a few days, we stayed at some people's apartment on the floor which was so nice of them.

***

We were sick on the day of your acts of kindness challenge ... but we participated as a group with our Community Bible Study today. In one of the activities, the Community Bible Study children made a Thanksgiving card for a person in a nursing home. This went with the lesson on friends helping the paralytic get near to Jesus by being lowered through the roof. The cards were given to Crestview patients after leaders' meeting on Tuesday.

***

Jamie and I were touched by your suggestion of 43 Acts of Kindness for Steve's birthday and wanted to get in on the action.

Our friend Brittney is a single mom with two sweet little boys, Trey (second grade) and Brady (kindergarten). Both little boys have battled health problems over the past couple of years. Most recently, Trey, who suffers from epileptic seizures, spent 4 days in the hospital going through tests.

To bring a little fun and relief into their lives, Jamie and I provided them with a gift certificate to Studio Movie Grill along with some cash for treats while they enjoy their movie.

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Gave away a bunch of old electronics (cd players, &c.) to anybody who walked by. It was like a Garage Free.

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Bought coffees for my loyal PTO former officers who helped us run a very successful Fall Festival this weekend. Just as a little thank you.

Also, chased down and returned our new next door neighbor's (cute as a button) dog who escaped through their fence. A sweet little schnauzer girl named Reese :)

***

My husband paid for pizza for the family behind him at Papa John's.

43 acts of kindness (part 17)

2011-11-07T08:02:00.001-06:00

***

Act 1. Took some dog toys and left them at the dog park for our furry friends.

Act 2. Took my son's backpack up to school when he forgot it and didn't get on to him.

Act 3. Donating clothes to Goodwill

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I took my daughter and dog for a walk yesterday. We just started off walking but a large branch had fallen down in a neighbor's yard so I moved it close to the street and decided to pick up the trash I found on the ground. I explained this to my daughter as my arms filled with trash. We also threw newspapers to front porches. Then we went to the park and continued trash pick up. I enjoyed the work and we got a laugh when Rachel commented on pieces of pink boas (left over from the Komen walk), saying that must have been a strange looking bird!

I also learned to be prepared next time with gloves and a bag, trash is nasty!

Thank you again and happy birthday to Steve!

***

I know Steve's birthday is over, but the kids and I are still doing the things we didn't have time for on Friday but wanted to do for the occasion. Ben and I made fudge yesterday, Lil and I just delivered some to both of our new neighbors. Ben and I let the older gentleman behind us go in front of us at the store yesterday.

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Since I'm living in France, I was struggling with a way to perform a random act of kindness here. The culture is a bit different - no tips to double, no drive-through Starbucks to pay for the car behind you, no mailman from my childhood home to bake cookies for. I was waiting all day for the opportunity to present itself, and by evening, I was disappointed that I hadn't done anything! That night, my best friend from home called me; we hadn't talked on the phone or on Skype in weeks (both of our schedules have been busy). I had plans that evening, but got home as quickly as possible in order to call her back on Skype to be there for her as she told me about a tragic event that had occurred the day before to a family that she knows. Although it wasn't random, and it wasn't really a specific act of kindness, it was a reminder of the friendship I have with this dear friend of mine and that being there for your friends, even when busy, is a very important thing to do.

***

We missed Friday but I wanted to let you know that our family will be participating in the acts of kindness tomorrow. (Finn was a bit under the weather.) We are spending the evening baking and going to deliver some goodies to our school crossing guards. Both gentlemen are in their 70s and are out there every day rain or shine making sure our kiddos in our school are safe. Always smiling and waving to everyone that passes by early in the morning or late in the afternoon. We will be doing this in memory of Steve. I have loved reading all of the inspiring stories and so many of them have brought tears to my eyes.

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My family went to dinner at Olive Garden Friday evening and as we were leaving, my daughter and husband held open the doors for several families and one large group entering the restaurant, giving the wait staff a much needed break during their busiest time. The really cool thing about it was, I never really explained to them what I had signed up for. It just happened, like it was meant to be. Watching them doing an act of kindness on their own and without knowing the reason behind the mission helped me more deeply appreciate Katie and Cooper’s vision to honor Steve in this way.

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I gave an extra coupon to a shopper behind me at JoAnn's. And I gave two tickets to the Dallas Symphony to a friend who always does so much for others.

43 acts of kindness (part 16)

2011-11-06T15:22:00.000-06:00

I bought a bottle of water for an older gentleman in a wheelchair in the Munich airport. Mr. Donnelly was headed to Los Angeles.

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Well, I didn't forget about Nov 4 ... but have had no Internet access since 1 week ago - good and bad thing. Finally back from Nepal and wanted to share what I did for Steve's bday .... though I did it a day early just in case.

I donated to a school child in the mountains of Nepal along my trek. While there is still some question/doubt as to where all of the money will go, I know that it will be with someone who needs it far more then myself.

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My 3yo twins and I made cookies for the local police & firefighters in honor of you, your husband and your family. They were very grateful.

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We took snacks to the young girl working RV lot at OU. It was very cold and windy and she looked bored and cold. She was so happy and surprised that someone thought of her.

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I was so excited to take part in the way that you, Cooper and Katie were honoring the life of Steve. I heard of how people were buying lunch, coffee and breakfast treats for friends, co-workers and total strangers, hoping to get a good idea of my own for my intended act of kindness. I was thinking about doing several different things but not really coming up with the right one for me.

I was sitting in the front office at school and I heard over the walkie talkie a call for Maria to unclog a toilet. I thought of the number of times throughout the day that she is called upon to do some undesireable clean-up job and I knew at that moment that she was the one that I wanted to do something for. I thought about lunch but she has to eat at 10:00am! I decided that I wanted to do something that is just for her and something to make her feel good. I decided to get her a gift certificate for a pedicure massage.

At the end of the day on Friday while she was putting away the cafeteria chairs I went to her and gave her the gift card, and she looked at me with this stunned look in her eyes and said "but why?" I said "Just because." She gave me a big hug and tears came to both of our eyes. It was such a tender moment with very few words said but we were both affected.

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Allowed people with less items than me ahead in line at grocery. Also helped an elderly woman who was unstable on her feet from car to cart after she parked near me. Made me feel good. :-)

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Decided I would buy lunch for who ever ended up behind me in line. The person in front of me was taking longer, so he let me in front. Little did he know that his act of kindness of letting me go first would earn him a free lunch : )

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My friend Shelli Hardy also participated in 43 Acts of Kindness in memory of Steve. She donated blood and told me about the blood drive at the college she is attending which I where I donated blood. Shelli bought a Subway gift card and gave it to a student who truly needed it. So many people have been positively affected by these acts of kindness!!! :-)

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Took donuts to a meeting in Steve's name.

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Cupcakes for Dylan's employees and coins at the Coke and candy machines at kids' school.
Dylan did a vending machine blitz at his work too.

At the O'Connor High School pep rally, I paid for 3 extra spirit ribbons after I bought 1 for Carys.

43 acts of kindness (part 15)

2011-11-05T18:13:00.001-05:00

We were at IKEA and a gal with 3 carts full of stuff checked out in front of me and the two girls. She was alone and there was no one there to help her. Long story short....we helped her get everything out and packed into her car. She must have said thank you twenty times, and even said how floored she was that we would help her out like that. It was less than five minutes of my life, but no doubt made an impact on her, and more importantly, my girls.

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Brought cake and milk to our neighborhood firemen.

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We cleaned up (washed/dryed/etc.) alot of my 4 year old daughter's toys (she even selected many) and donated to two preschools/headstart programs. It was a wonderful thing to do because there are so many unfortunate children out there.

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I do hope turning up at my parents house to help them lift the carpet (unprompted by them) today, is a small acknowledgement of a man's life.

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Helping Mommy cook dinner without being asked!

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Delivered a slice of pie to my hairdresser.

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I went to a Starbucks in McKinney. I left a gift card because there wasn’t anyone in line. They showed us as we left. So cool to see them give it to them!!!

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Paid for an aviation student to continue flight hours.

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Alyssa wanted to let you know that she went shopping for toys to donate to Toys for Tots.

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I put together a care package full of canned food and snacks for friend's son who is stationed with the Marines in Afghanistan who only gets MREs (meals ready to eat) in his compound.

43 acts of kindness (part 14)

2011-11-05T17:36:00.000-05:00

Treats for current and previous teachers in honor of Steve

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Buying breakfast for the car behind us at Chick-fil-A

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Donated $25 for phone cards for the troops at Sport Clips.

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David shaved his head in honor of his brother Tim, who is getting a bone marrow transplant for multiple myleoma.

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For our acts of kindness to honor Steve I started the day like a lot of people, by paying for the car behind me at Starbucks. I was at the one at Legacy and Lebanon, and she had already had a lot of cars there before me doing the same thing and starting chain reactions.

Throughout the day I tried to find as many ways as possible to hold the door, let people into traffic, etc.

Gracie and I discussed cancer and the different routes it can take, and she decided to grow her hair out for Locks of Love in honor of Katie's daddy.

Our acts culminated with the family delivering handmade cards and a Kroger gift card to the fire station near our house to help them stock their kitchen. Pictures of that to follow.

Thanks for allowing us to be a part of such a special day - I have been moved to tears every time I read your updated blog and see the different ways this has manifested itself. Very, very cool. Steve is very proud, of this I am certain.

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I took a friend dinner. She just had knee replacement surgery.

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Our recipient is a neighbor who always puts others before herself. She is a kind and generous person who's health has recently been compromised. We made her family Aunt Ami's homemade chicken tortilla soup. We made a gift basket with some other yummy groceries including fruit, muffins and a pumpkin cheesecake. Happy Birthday, Steve! We love and miss you, and feel blessed to get to be a part of your 43rd Birthday Celebration!

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Donated to Salvation Army outside of Hobby Lobby in honor of your Steve! :)

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A paper bat for a friend who loves bats.

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Katelyn chose to overlook a classmate’s error. She took her pencil without knowing it was Katelyn’s, and Katelyn let her keep it.

She also invited a neighbor/classmate over to play because he had had a bad day at school.

43 acts of kindness (part 13)

2011-11-05T17:09:00.000-05:00

Paying it forward at Mickey d's in Forney! This is lovanzar the ups man I bought breakfast for... What a blessing to have the opportunity to share someone's legacy... Happy birthday Steve!

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I just finished making cookies to take to Tara's studio group where all the studious architects-to-be work all day and all night! Vegan Mexican Hot Chocolate Snickerdoodles. :)

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My daughter and I picked up trash in the common area around our neighborhood after school today.

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I was a coupon fairy...left coupons on products at the store for others to use.

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Paid for the person behind me at the drive thru and gave our kids preschool teachers Starbucks gift cards. Great idea....have never met Steve or you, but have kept up with you and your family on the blog. I'm good friends with Laura Healy. Thinking of you today.

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Tyra, I thought you'd want to know that in addition to my official Act of Kindness, I'm also laying out a double truck today, for Steve and his love of the term "double truck."

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The kids are donating their 200-plus box top collection to a grandmother who works at Kroger to give to her grandson. She had told me a few weeks ago that his school (in an underprivileged area) give the kids credit for what they bring in to purchase school supplies. She was off yesterday and has not come in yet today but are hoping to catch her tonight :-) We also bought McDonalds for the car behind us!

Such a good feeling to give and especially in Steve's honor. The kids loved seeing the people smiling in the car behind us as they read the note.

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There is a small karate studio in the East Dallas neighborhood where I live and they were having a fundraiser for St. Jude's Children's Hospital yesterday. All these sweet little kids in their karate uniforms waving homemade signs and not getting much of a response (this is a pretty poor neighborhood). I dropped 20.00 in their basket and they were so excited, you would have thought I had written them a check for 1000.00 dollars.

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I sent the crocheted afghan in the picture (along with a Steve card) to a college student. She is a freshman and in need of some extra kindness.

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For our act of kindness in honor of Steve, my kids and I baked cookies for our postal worker. Then Andrew decided he wanted to give some to his baseball coach today. What a wonderful memory we have made! Happy Birthday Steve!!

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I'm Amy Randle, Jana Shilson's sister. I saw some friends post on Facebook about the Random Acts of Kindness in memory of your husband, and I couldn't resist the urge to participate. Although I don't know you personally, my heart breaks for the suffering you and your family have and continue to endure. I fought tears the entire way to Starbucks as I thought about you. My act of kindness was to pay for the person's coffee behind me. Jana passed along the notes they used for their acts at Bledsoe, so I printed one out and passed it along. Please know that even miles away in Ozark, Missouri, you and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.

43 acts of kindness (part 12)

2011-11-05T16:51:00.000-05:00

We bought holiday gift cards for some families living in a fixed income senior apartment complex.

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My name is Katie Walker. I am a friend of Jen Mango's and have followed your blog for the last few years. I met Steve briefly at the Kick the Damm Spot event at Fieldhouse. Anyway, I wanted to let you, Cooper, and Katie know that today at Starbucks I paid for the person behind me in line. They then paid for the person behind them. (The Starbucks worker said a few others had done the same already in Steve's name today and they thought it was such a cool thing!) Though we have never met you were all in my thoughts today.

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Found my act of kindness late this evening. Helped a hard-working waitress have a good weekend.

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I was at a state client site today and unfortunately the government might think "act of kindness" looked like "bribe", (silly but true) so I made a donation to the Alive! Alexandria foundation for their childcare program.

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I bought dinner for dinner for seven people last night and delivered it to their home. Honored to be a part of 43 Acts of Kindness.

***

I bought dessert for a woman and girl about KT's age tonight at Panera. The cashier thought it was an awesome idea.

***

Mackenzie and I bought dinner for the car behind us at McDonald's, in Steve's name. They gave us our order for free as well. That was unexpected.

***

Had to get new brakes today. :( Decided to make cupcakes for the mechanics while they worked on my car. When I came to pick it up I thanked them for all their hard work and they were SO surprised and appreciative of the treats. Turned something that would have normally been kind of bitter experience into such a positive one. Thank you (Steve) for the inspiration!

***

My son, Joey, and I dropped off cupcakes at the Plano Fire Station 4 for Steve (along with the letter) and at the Frisco Central Fire Station for my mom, whose 73rd birthday would have been today.

***

Spent time helping a 7th-grader whose sister was killed two weeks ago while crossing the street.

***

My random acts of kindness today in memory of Steve Birthday was treats for Ryan's teacher (as you can see in the picture) and taking his buddy to school because their mom was busy tending to a sick family & lastly treating neighbors to a latte this afternoon. All in your name Steve. Happy Birthday, I'm sure Birthdays in heaven are delightful!

43 acts of kindness (part 11)

2011-11-05T14:57:00.000-05:00

Bought DC fare cards for a couple of tourists. Happy Birthday, Steve!

***

Hannah and Henry buying items at grocery store to donate.

Hannah and Henry at God's Food Pantry after donating $100 in food!

***

Toby Steve Granberry, we adopted him from a family that was about to drop him off at a shelter in honor of Steve's birthday. This is a picture of him sitting on Josh's rocker trying to figure out how to play XBox.

***

Bought breakfast for an elderly man sitting by himself at the House Cafe in Richardson. Let the waitress who delivered the Steve greeting keep the 100 percent tip.

***

Went to an Adoption Benefit/HOLT and contributed for a dear friend;)

***

Chick-fil-A manager donating a party tray of nuggets for 43 Acts of Kindness in Memory of Steve Damm: dinner for Irving firefighters. :)

Panera Bread manager giving a discount and tax exemption for 43 Acts of Kindness. (Not everyone can be quite as cool as the Chick-fil-A guy. But still, nice of them to give me a discount.)

And some happy (& surprised) firefighters with their Chick-fil-A and Panera goodies. Grateful to honor Steve in such a fun way! :)

***

Dylan brought her favorite teacher a big bin of her favorite snack....popcorn.

***

Plano animal shelter … love the 4-legged friends

***

Ashlee and I delivered dinner to the Firemen this evening in honor of Steve Damm

***

Left change on the vending machine in the office breakroom. Happy Birthday, Steve!

***

As part of our clean up before the holidays, we are dedicating our donations (partially shown here) in memory of the daddy of one of Bella's friends. Today would have been his birthday.

***

Dr. Don Lubach, Assistant Dean of Students at UC Santa Barbara, wrote this note after I told him about Tyra's 43 acts of kindness. He wanted to do his part. Thank you, Don, for helping me this morning. :-)

43 acts of kindness (part 10)

2011-11-05T10:36:00.000-05:00

We cleaned out closets for unused blankets and jackets. We came up with two large boxes filled to the top. I dropped them off at Frisco Square for projectwarm.us. to help the homeless.

***

We left a restaurant gift card in our mailbox for our postal worker this morning with a note thanking him for his hard work and to enjoy a meal on us.

***

This is the most fun I’ve had in a long while (not counting the time I spend with Bug of course)…

This gentleman was behind us in line at CVS…so we bought his goodies for him and explained why. He was, as he put it, blown away!

He kept saying, “Is this really happening?” and “Do people like you really exist?” I assured him is was and we do…there are quite a few of us (especially today). He (I keep using “he” because I still don’t know his name) said he was going to say a prayer for you, Katie and Cooper and then say another for Steve to wish him a Happy Birthday. He may look you up on Facebook to say “Thank you”.

He said we made his day…but really, he made ours.

***

We gave a pizza hut gift card to Caitlyn's kindergarten teacher, gave a $10 off coupon to a fellow shopper, and allowed a car to go in front of us in the school carpool line. Hugs to your sweet family. Such a blessing and joy to know you. Thanks for giving us the opportunity to join your family in this celebration. (In addition to Steve's birthday, today would have also been my cousin's birthday - he would have been 30 this year.)

***

I took this oppertunity to do something I had been trying to make time to do for two years. Today I did it for Steve. I became a mentor to a disadvantaged 1st grade child at my daughters school, Lakewood Elementary. I will meet with him every Tuesday starting next week. I look forward to helping this young man out in the weeks and months ahead.

***

I attended a memorial service on campus yesterday for a 27-year employee of the UC Santa Barbara Graduate Division, where I work. She died of breast cancer. I never met her because I'm new, but I photographed the service yesterday and created a slide show to share with her friends and colleagues today.

***

We celebrated Steve's Birthday by delivering fresh Baked cookies to both our dogs' Vet and to our local fire station. It was a lot of fun seeing the smiles of their faces!

***
Kate and I just gave our mail lady the sheet we printed about Steve's 43rd birthday and the acts of kindness, along with a Chick-fil-A gift card. She was so appreciative.
I have enjoyed reading what others have done today. We are so happy to have been a part of Steve's birthday and making others happy.

***

I bought 3 cups of Starbucks coffee for security guard at Samsung.

Since they cannot go out during their duty, I thought fresh Starbucks coffee or lemonade will make them smile~

***

I gave my tickets to tonight's Dallas Stars game tonight to a Dad, so he can buy one more and take his two daughters to the game.

Turns out he's a Friend of Steve, too. He also plans to do a good deed. They're multiplying!

Happy birthday, Steve.

***

I had lunch with Autumn today and then stayed after to teach the GT kids in her class about division and multiplication.

***
I just wanted to let you know that I have followed your blog for a while now. It is so inspirational to read about Steve and all the wonderful things he has done & continues to do in peoples lives. I was so inspired to participate that I decided I would purchase the persons order behind me today at Dunkin Donuts. I hope that I made her day a little brighter. It looked like it might have been a rainy day at 7:30 as I drove to work but by lunch time the sun was shining so bright! I am sorry I didn't take a picture but I thought that this small act of kindness could go along way with or without a picture. I continue to be inspired by the stories you share!

Thinking of Steve [and of course your whole family!] today,
Love from Long Island, New York

PS-- I even let my first grade students have "Fun Friday" [which doesn't happen too often] in memory of Steve. They had a great time!

43 acts of kindness (part 9)

2011-11-05T10:18:00.000-05:00

My 8yo son was DETERMINED to give someone a free meal at chipotle (his favorite restaurant). But all day I forgot to get cash. So we bought a gift card. When we finished eating, we gave our gift card and "Steve note" to a single man. And he kept trying to give it back. And my son kept saying, "no! I'm paying for YOUR burrito!!"

The look on this man's face was AWESOME.

Man, what a great day this has been!

Happy birthday Steve!

***

I belong to a wonderful online digital scrapbooking community. I posted today on our message boards, telling my online friends about Steve and today's celebration. I offered to buy a digital scrapbooking kit for the first person who posted in my thread as another way to celebrate Steve. Another member of the community offered to buy another kit for someone after she read my post.

Details are here: http://www.thedigichick.com/forums/showthread.php?35454-Acts-of-kindness

***

Attached is the photo of the very giggly girl at the McDonald's who really got a kick out of the gesture once I could explain that I wanted to buy the food for the person who ordered in line behind me, too. It was really fun to watch the person reading the note left behind for them as I drove off, what a mischievous and fun way to celebrate the life of a mischievous and fun person like Steve.

***

Knowing that the Washington subway can be confusing, I went to the Ronald Reagan National Airport near Washington, DC with 6 farecards each worth one one-way trip in my hand and provided them to passengers trying to buy fares. This came in handy to 6 lucky recipients, as the machines that took credit/debit cards weren't working at that end of the station.

***

At dinner tonight, we left a 40% tip. I know how hard wait staff work. That job put me through college twice, so it was wonderful to give back to someone in that position.

***

I'm a friend of Kelly Starnes and in honor of your husband's birthday, I gave a teenager money at the gas station today. He needed air in his tires and did not have money for the machine. Hope you get 43 acts of kindness.

***

We order pizza from the same Marco's in Edmond for our Friday night pizza & movie night. Today, we collected 43 pieces of candy, wrapped them up and included the 43 note. When we received our pizza in the drive-thru, we gave the woman the gift and a little extra tip. She smiled and said, "No way!" I smiled the entire drive home imagining her reaction after reading the card. Happy birthday, sweet Steve.

***

For my random kindness today at the ethics conference, I gave our very frazzled waitress an extra large tip. (It's not easy trying to serve 100 mental health professionals.)

I then spent the rest of the afternoon helping a dear friend make arrangements to rush up to New Jersey to help her 92 year old mother. The snow storm left her mother without power and the stress made it clear that she could no longer live alone and will require immediate placement in an assisted living facility. My friend will spend next week with her mother looking at places there and then bring her back to Virginia to look here as well. Together we canceled all 35 of her patients scheduled for next week and made lists of necessary steps to move her mother and notify family. I will be covering her practice for any emergencies and also available to her to give support.

Happy Birthday Steve - it is a pleasure to do this in your honor!

Love, Aunt Marilyn

***

My uncle passed away from a brain tumor several years ago. I love your idea to celebrate Steve today with random acts of kindness. In memory of Steve and in honor of your family, I took care care of the toll for the vehicle behind me today. Even though it was just a small thing, it felt wonderful to provide a little surprise for someone else, especially a stranger. Thank you so much for encouraging us all to do this more often.

***

What a wonderful day. It has been so fun reading all of the posts today. I can only imagine the joy this is bringing you and the kiddos!

I am stealing your idea and going to continue the good deeds next Thursday in remembrance of my sweet friend, Kim.

Here are my kids (plus one friend) giving a cup of hot chocolate to our mailman, Floyd. We sent him along with more hot chocolate (to make at home) and the "43" card.

***

It was truly a special day here at Bledsoe. I wanted to let you know that I chose to honor Steve by showing kindness to our Special Education staff. They work so tirelessly each day, and often, they never get to eat alone, much less with their team. I asked Angie and Courtney to join me in this effort and we covered the Resource Room for a period and the SBS classroom for a period, allowing each of those teams to come to the conference room and eat together. You would have thought that we had given them the moon!! They came back smiling and rejuvenated – it was a blessing to me to see what this gift did for them. I will definitely find other opportunities to repeat this again this year.

43 acts of kindness (part 8)

2011-11-05T10:09:00.001-05:00

I love this idea! Tracy at The Digichick posted it and I just wanted to let you know that I purchased a book for my child's classroom teacher at our book fair yesterday.

***

I baked cookies for the office staff at Evans Elementary, and also some for our wonderful crossing guard. I had planned this ahead of time, despite a hectic, overscheduled day, and I was determined to follow through.

But then I got an opportunity for an unplanned act of kindness. By chance, I ran into a mom of one of my son's kindergarten classmates. She was scheduled to teach an art lesson to the class, but was terrified, never having done anything like this before. I sat down and showed her some examples of how to present the lesson, but I could see she was still panicked, so instead of eating lunch and continuing with my overwhelmingly long to-do list, I offered to teach the lesson today so she could observe and learn for the next time. Any other day I would've wished her good luck and gone on my way, but today, for Steve, I took the time that I didn't think I had to spare.

***

This evening, I walked over to my across-the-street neighbor and helped him pull up a tree stump he'd been working on all week. He was so grateful and was clearly touched when I mentioned Steve and your 43 acts of kindness event. I wish I had one of those tags to give him. It was pretty dark when we finished, so I will have to get a photo tomorrow.

It's a wonderful way to honor Steve. Reading all those acts of kindness makes me teary-eyed. We said prayers for you and the kids tonight.

***

My husband was also diagnosed with a malignant brain tumor, but we are in a different place than your family.

I think of you and the kids frequently.

Today I went to the local French bakery and got treats for all of the secretaries in my school.

This afternoon I took the children of a friend who was just diagnosed with breast cancer (yesterday) out for the evening so she and her husband could have a few hours of peace and quiet.

***

While chaperoning the Frisco High School Band at tonight's football game Joel Quejada helped his wife Regina and I buy FHS scarves to give to the band's amazing percussion instructor and his wife. Mr. and Mrs. Dillard are shown wearing their scarves in the picture. They thought the scarves were very nice to have on a chilly night.

***

I bought dinner for the person behind me at Chick-fil-a and explained to the cashier and manager why I was doing this. I asked them to give the card to the person with their order.

***
This afternoon, somewhere between Canton and Dallas, I stopped at Sonic for a drink. As soon as I saw the young lady delivering the drinks I knew this was the person I had been looking for today. I gave her a little extra tip money and Steve's card. The expression on her face was priceless and the feeling I was left with was oh-so-good.

***

Today I attended the TOTA conference to recruit for Tenet. Things wrapped up at 4:00, so I headed to the front desk of the hotel to pay for parking (there's a sign that says pay before you go to your car in the garage). I pay, get my receipt & code for the gate to get out of the garage and find my car. By now there's a long line of cars waiting to exit. It's been a really long week and I have to admit...I was annoyed. I wait, wait, wait and finally I'm a car away from the gate. A young lady swipes her ticket...no go. Second, third, fourth try, still nothing. I could tell she was getting frantic...multiple beeps, some not so kind comments from the peanut gallery, and she looked scared. Then...it hit me...43 act of kindness for Steve. I hopped out of my car and gave her my code to lift the gate. I didn't have a chance to explain why, but I was able to enjoy the relief on her face and got a HUGE thank you. Happy Birthday Steve!!!!

***

I brought a bouquet of tulips to the girl who takes my order every Friday night at Carmine's Pizza in Richardson.

***

My kids and I went together to Kroger armed with the Frisco Family Services Food Pantry wish list and loaded up our cart. Then we personally delivered them this afternoon. It was a great way to show them how our community can help anyone in their time of need.

***

We went to redbox and left "Steve's note" taped to the screen with 5 quarters taped to the note and we wrote "enjoy your movie night on us! Happy Friday!"

***
Jakob and I went to Sonic and a nice young woman delivered our order. We settled up for the drinks and then I handed her a rolled up paper with the story of Steve’s birthday message on it and also rolled up with it was some money. She took the rolled paper and said thanks. She returned shortly and said “I just want to thank you as I really needed some help because I have two babies at home that are sick and we needed some pedialyte, this will really help me a lot. And sorry for your loss.” After she left Jakob asked if Steve could see us from heaven because if he could he would have seen all of us smiling. I never knew Steve, but I bet he was smiling.

43 acts of kindness (part 7)

2011-11-05T09:59:00.000-05:00

I bought (2) $5.00 giftcards at Taco Bueno and asked the cashier to give them to the next 2 people in line. Also, my employees saved the paper and are planning to pay it forward. ***

Chick fil a girl thought I was nuts...so fun buying lunch for peeps that have no clue.

***

We are travelling from Atlanta, GA, to Jackson, MS, today. I held the door for a woman walking with a cane in memory of Steve. I'm still on the lookout for more opportunities to spread kindness in his name!

***

My random act of kindness was getting Liz a Starbux and Ashleigh's was to take Mrs Helms a red velvet bundt today!

***

Bought flowers for a mom with young kids who is having "one of those days" while in Target.

***

Shelli and Shannon gave blood today.

***

Bought a complete stranger a Subway sandwich!

***

Zita delivered her amazing cookies to MyChildren's -- the clinic that Steve helped develop and manage.

***

I brought delicious gourmet cookies to our local library up here in beautiful Ipswich, MA. My sister forwarded your story and I couldn't help but join all these fabulous people doing such great work. Cheers to Steve!

***

I bought a yummy Chinese food lunch for my boss, who is also a dear friend. We're having a particularly busy/stressful day, so the late lunch and the quick break was most welcomed. Happy b-day, Stevie D!

***

Taking a cake to Cory's office assistant, who has been going through a hard time lately. Happy Birthday Steve!!!

***

Sending each student in my class home with a fun cup & card about Steve. :)

***

Just bought a warm winter drink for the lady behind me at the drive thru lane at Starbucks. I told the cashier about Tyra's wonderful idea and how these acts of kindness were to honor Steve. She was touched and couldn't wait to share the story.

Roundup!

2011-11-04T17:45:00.000-05:00

I need to pause from reporting all your good news. (Busy afternoon/night includes Destination Imagination, soccer, Bledsoe Buckaroo Bash, Cub Scouting.)

Please continue sending your reports and photos from the day! I'll resume my lists Saturday.

In case you're just joining us today, you can find links to:

My column, describing why I'm giddy about today.
Acts of kindness in six parts
1
2
3
4
5
6

And thank you to friends who left treats at our house today!

43 acts of kindness (part 6)

2011-11-04T14:03:00.000-05:00

Thank you so much for putting together this wonderful idea in memory of Steve, and giving me the opportunity to do something that truly overwhelmed me with emotion and happiness.

I may have mentioned to you that I’m a graduate student at UTSW, and the lab I work in is situated on the 6^th floor of the Simmons Cancer Center. I always feel so lucky to work in such an amazing building adorned with beautiful works of art, but often find it hard to reconcile that beauty with the underlying sadness of the atmosphere. The elevator stops on the patient floors almost every morning on my ride up to my lab, and while I don’t do research on cancer, it’s a gentle reminder that I have a purpose in being here. I remember you telling me that Steve was a patient here, and that you have a love/hate relationship with the building because of your previous love for the Chihuly yet the reminders of having him here for treatment; I really can't imagine how difficult that is and continue to admire your strength.

After you posted the details of the project, I immediately got excited by the idea of doing a random act of kindness for the staff in the Simmons Cancer Center. After some digging around, I found the nurses station for the chemotherapy unit and dropped off some cookies. I initially spoke with Grace, who immediately remembered Steve and teared up as I told her about your project. I then met Noor and Ida, who also remembered Steve, and they even let me take a photo of them to document the day.

***
I made a point to smile more today and greet more people in my path! And I made some girls happy at Bledsoe with some cookies!!! I also told Steve he has the coolest wife ever!!!!

***
I told my friend Deb about our 43 Acts of Kindness for Steve. She was at lunch with her husband at Bic's Restaurant on Addison today. They treated a table of gentlemen to lunch. They went up to the table afterwards and talked to the men and told them about Steve and your family. It was a blessing to my friend and her husband as well as to the men.

***

I took a co-worker who is going through a hard time to lunch today.

***

We left dollar coins at two different Redbox kiosks in San Antonio.

***

As Mystery Reader for Mrs. Allard's class, I read this book and discussed acts of kindness :)

***

I gave some money today to someone who needed it, thinking about Steve and his smile.

***

I'm not the girl who picks up donuts for work, or bakes cookies, or brings in candy-unless it's a spread, and even then I have to work at it. All last month and this week, we've had junk food and candy around our department. We all want to be healthier, but still keep working to empty that candy bowl.

Today, I went to my daughter's senior pep-rally, realizing an era is coming to an end, and a little emotional about it. On my way back, I decided to get a bunch of my favorite apples, honeycrisp, for my team. And a Greek yogurt for one girl who is on a zero fiber diet, awaiting colon surgery. I passed them out and sent an email explaining the gift.

***

I'm at an Irving hospital waiting for my friend James to be released. He doesn't know it yet but we're going on a little road trip so he can visit his mom in Austin. She's 87 & he's been too ill for the last year to make the trip. His doctor said it was OK so we're about to hit the road!

***

I spent an hour today helping a former newspaper colleague who:

1) has a sick Mac
2) is contemplating a buyout offer. I researched openings at Apple for
him and passed them on.

***

I’m helping someone with the resume/cover letter/job interview process, in honor of how Steve helped so many people in his wonderful work.

***

I ordered pizza for my team. We are having a DAMM lunch!

***

Brought breakfast to the office (which got devoured before the picture could be taken) as well as a pie for this afternoon.

***

One of my employees called this morning and his car was broken down. I sent one of the other ones (with pay) and a loan for enough money to buy the part to help him get back on the road along with a "Steve sign". Happy Birthday Steve!

***

In Steve's honor, we have been helping a local child and his family during a very difficult time.

43 acts of kindness (part 5)

2011-11-04T13:11:00.002-05:00

We gave a Starbucks gift card to our mailman, who always takes the time out of his day to talk to the kids when we play outside. Happy birthday to Steve.

***

Today and tomorrow I am helping a friend who is an artist, single mom, and teacher set up for an art show at another friends home. My friend Linda and I will help to unload and set up her show, and we will also have a great time preparing food for the show tomorrow. Since Steve so loved art, I know in my heart how much he would love my act of kindness for his day! He would also love that a single parent mom is being supported by the kindness of others. We love and miss you Steve, Happy Birthday to one sweetheart of a Man!

***

I listened to a client who's going through a tough time & bought her a glass of wine to unwind while she had a minute of down time. Some times you just need to relax. I did tell her about Steve & your family as well. Happy birthday Steve! I think I have a few more acts of kindness left in me:)

***

Coffee on Kyla!

***

Taking my mother in law to the thoracic surgeon to talk about surgery for her lung cancer. Being at Parkland makes me grateful for what I have. Today, I'm helping her, but will hold open doors and help anyone I see at the hospital.

***

Julie Cavitt is walking the 3-Day for the cure with this hat on her head:

***

Bought and delivered lunch to our office manager, who is covering the front desk today because our receptionist is out. She tried to pay me, but I handed her the "43" card and told her your family's story -- and the acts of kindness Coop and KT planned to do today.

***

We went to McDonald's and got hot chocolate for the crossing guard by Amy's school. I parked and went and delivered it.

I said "You are always smiling and waving at me and my kids." and he said "I do that for everyone." So I said "I know, and that is why we stopped and got you some hot chocolate this morning." He was so surprised and had a big smile. Then I explained about Steve and how his you and the kids wanted to honor him in this way. He said that was so cool. He and his wife really believe in doing nice things for others and it generally comes back to you. The best part was when he said "Now I'll have to do something nice for someone else today."

It was such a great start to the day!

Thank you so much for inviting us to participate in this day! All the acts of kindness in Steve's honor is a great way to remember him.

***

A rather large and nice dreadlock clad African American allowed me to teach him Indian phrases while we waited to be served by my Indian friend and owner of the subway near my office. The owner asked my new friend "cam cho" which means how are you? He answered with the phrase I taught him "me llama" which means "I'm fine." All of laughed at his pronunciation and I accused him of talking about "my mama." I quietly told my other Indian friend at the register that I want to pay for his meal, which was a five dollar foot long. I sat down to eat my lunch and he walked by stumbling over himself wondering what to say. He simply said "all right man." I said have a Damm good day.

Best 5 bucks ever.

***

We bought someone their bread at the store today (since the clerk forgot to ring it up). It seemed a wonderful way to start the day and stuffed 12 boxes full of food for the needy at church today! The day is not over and The Currys will find something else to do I am sure!

***

Purchased the sandwich order for the man behind me at Subway. He was so thankful and said he would pass along the word to the folks receiving the sandwiches he had ordered.

***

These are headed to my two best friends Melane & Sharon! I know they will be here for me no matter what life throws!

43 acts of kindness (part 4)

2011-11-04T12:43:00.000-05:00

I bought breakfast today for a woman and her two children at the bagel shop. Told her your story, Tyra, and what you hoped to accomplish with this wonderful gift in honor of your husband. She was so inspired she bought the couple behind her their breakfast! And promised to spread the word among her friends and family.

***

Just picked up the tab for the folks behind me in line at Starbucks. The cashier was familiar with your brilliant initiative although she doesn't know you - apparently others have been up there doing it this am.

***

We sent a bag of food to a single mother in need and helped her obtain vehicle repairs.

***

Mary brought hot chocolate to the crossing guards... they had already been given two other treats. What a neat day.

***

We helped a 49 year old Grandma whose daughter is in jail. She is raising her 3 year old grandson alone on a very small salary and now has been diagnosed with Cancer. We made her a chemo care package for today's treatment and bought all her Grandson's gifts for her to put away from her or whomever for Christmas. She cried and was touched by your card and Steve's life. I know Steve is proud!

***

I just bought the coffee for the car behind me in line at Starbucks and picked up an extra treat for my boss who's been extra stressed out.

Thanks for reminding us that it's the little things in life that can go a long way.

***

Just took hot chocolate to our sweet crossing guards @ Lebanon & Timber Ridge. Happy Birthday Steve.

***

I thought of Steve when I was at Arbys...
Arby's® is partnering with Share Our Strength's No Kid Hungry® Campaign to help end childhood hunger in America by 2015. Join us in the fight and help us reach our goal of raising $1 million by the end of 2011. I donated $10 while thinking of how much Tyra and the kids miss Steve. I had my 8 year old daughter with me and I told her the story of Steve and his family. She then took $2 of her money and donated it too for Steve.

***

Delivered these yesterday. Looking forward to today...Happy Birthday Steve.

***

Picking up a coworker so she doesnt have to ride the shuttle bus in the rain to work:) Praying and celebrating Steve's life!

***

I am so happy to do this in celebration of Steve. I gave 2 high schools fabric from my sewing room for the their Life Skills classes.

***

Breakfast on me for the car behind me this morning at the McDonald's drive thru.

43 acts of kindness (part 3)

2011-11-04T12:34:00.001-05:00

We heard about a holiday food drive here on Maui, so we put together a donation in honor of Steve and his amazing family!

***

Dropped off a bucket of bagels and cream cheese (and Steve's card) at the Bedford police station this morning.

***

We had an act of kindness bestowed upon us by our wonderful neighbor, Wendy Naumann. On Halloween Adam, Matt and Wendy set up their smartly made Angry Bird set outside their home and allowed trick or treaters to use Angry Bird bean bags to attempt to knock them over. My kiddos were there forever. I have just found the whole set, bean bags and all, on my doorstep. Thank you sweet Wendy! The kids will be thrilled!

***

I left a Starbucks gift card on the windshield of the car parked next to me at Target!

***

I bought the person behind me in line their Dunkin Donuts order today. It was a gloomy morning here in NY too. Spreading the message of your wonderful family & Steve's memory is so inspiring!! Thinking of everyone participating today!!

***

After GMB went to the Starbucks at Teel/Main and bought breakfast to a Men in Uniform. The team at Starbucks picked up the tab for his coffee (would not let me do so) but I went ahead and encouraged him to get breakfast (for which I paid for). Told him not to thank me but to remember Steve Damm and pray for his wife Tyra Damm, and their children Cooper and Katie; and gave him copy of your note!

***

Sending Jacob's teacher a Thank you! And picking up all the trash I see!!

***

I'm going to buy burgers for the disk golf high school kids that practice on the grounds of the shelter where I work :)

***

The kids and I will be delivering these muffins to a new neighbor and another that has had a rough couple of weeks. Then they will be taking their money from the tooth fairy and donating it to the Ronald McDonald House.

***

Donating money in Steve's name today to Dog and Kitty City to help feed the homeless animals this no-kill shelter houses. Happy birthday, Steve.

***

Just brought the amazing staff at Bledsoe a sonic drink to celebrate Steve Damm's birthday!

Whether given or taken, kind acts can help us heal

2011-11-04T12:21:00.001-05:00

From today's Briefing:

I am giddy about this day.

Today is my late husband’s birthday.

In the alternate world I sometimes imagine — a world without inoperable, incurable brain tumors — we would be celebrating Steve’s 43rd birthday with dinner, gifts and a homemade cake. And Steve himself.

In this real world, though, the party goes on without him.

On Steve’s 41st birthday, just a couple of months after his death, our family invited friends to join us at the neighborhood park, where we wrote notes, attached them to balloons and released them to the sky all at once.

Last year was more relaxed. While Cooper and Katie were at school, I planted tulips and ranunculus in the front beds, thinking of Steve every time I dropped a bulb into the ground. (It’s the gift that keeps giving — I thought of him every time I walked into our colorful yard the following spring.)

That night the three of us ate dinner out and came home to a simple, homemade chocolate cake, just like Steve would have liked.

Today is different.

Cooper, Katie and I decided to celebrate their Daddy’s life by encouraging acts of kindness. Our goal was 43 — one for each year since his birth.

We didn’t think we could accomplish 43 in one day by ourselves, so we started asking friends to help.

The response, thanks largely to the power of social media, has been incredible. I’ve lost track of the number of people who have committed to being deliberately kind today, but it’s safe to say that our goal will be exceeded at least five or six times over, all across the country and even the world.

Here at home, Katie plans to wake up early and walk a long route to school. She wants to crisscross the street, pick up newspapers from neighbors’ front lawns and place them on doorsteps instead.

Cooper is going to slyly surprise a friend with a candy bar in his school desk.

Close family friends are cleaning out their closets and donating gently used items to a nonprofit.

A friend is out of town this week, leaving our church food pantry unattended — I expect another friend is spending this morning in the pantry, sorting food and preparing boxes for hungry neighbors.

I’m so excited about the idea that I couldn’t wait to get started. On Wednesday I paid for my drive-thru coffee and then paid for the car behind me. My list for today is longer than my waking hours.

Part of the thrill is the selfish feeling that comes from performing a selfless act, satisfaction from a good deed with absolutely no expectation of reciprocation.

Plus, it’s nice to be able to return a fraction of the goodwill our family has received.

When Steve was ill, our family was supported, sustained and loved on by more people than I can count. Definitely by more people than I sent thank-you cards to.

In the early stages of his cancer, Steve and I would talk about how we would repay everyone for their good deeds. That didn’t last long — it was soon clear that we could never repay everyone. And eventually we accepted the truth that no one expected repayment.

We accepted the truth that people are good. That people enjoy caring for others, embracing kindness, sharing love.

If I had my way, if all of the folks who love Steve had their way, today we’d be singing him “Happy Birthday” and giving him gifts and telling funny stories about past celebrations.

In the reality we’ve got, today’s celebration — in which others receive gifts of kindness and compassion — is the next best thing.

Tyra Damm is a Briefing columnist. Email her at tyradamm@gmail.com.

43 acts of kindness (part 2)

2011-11-04T10:43:00.000-05:00

No picture, but the next person who goes into the donut shop on 380 and lake forest gets breakfast on Steve.

***

***

Passed a $10 Starbucks card to the person in line behind me.

Paid for breakfast for a mom and her son. Gave the guy who cleans the tables off a tip and gave the waitress double the normal tip.

I am having so much fun!!!! Happy Birthday Steve!!!!

***

Mrs. Harris' Class gathered things from around our classroom and treasure box for Operation Christmas Child :)

***
Bought breakfast for a co-worker ...

***
Bought coffee for the car behind ...

43 acts of kindness (part 1)

2011-11-04T10:20:00.002-05:00

In memory of Steve and honor for Tyra, Cooper & Katie, I picked up 44 newspapers and placed on the front porch in the Mill Valley neighborhood during my early morning walk of the dogs. No picture (thank goodness!) just lots of good thoughts coming your way!

***

My name is Lisa and I've been following your blog for quite awhile. My Mother died of cancer when I was 18 and your beautiful writing has always inspired me.

Yesterday, I hand wrote a card explaining the 43 acts of kindness and shared the link to your blog. This morning I purchased a hot mocha (perfect cold morning here in MN) for the lady behind me and asked the cashier to give her the card. As I drove away, I glanced over to see the cashier and the lady in the car talking and you could see they were both smiling.

What a great way to start my birthday weekend :)

***

G baked her teacher a muffin (with my help) and wrote her a note all by herself that said, "I'm really glad you're my teacher because I can read now. I love you a lot."

And we put our "Steve note" with the muffin and note.

Man, is our Friday fun so far!!!!!

***

Someone delivered bagels for the special education team at Bledsoe Elementary.

***

I bought breakfast for next person in line at Corner Bakery ... Love to the Damm Family.

***

My sweet friends Julianne Amezcua and Leslie Wright shared your blog with me and this was our act of Kindness today. My little girls, Campbell and Avery, decided to make cookies for our mail lady. We left them in our mailbox for her this morning.

***

In memory of Steve, I paid for coffee and breakfast for the man behind me in the drive thru line at Dunkin Donuts. I had the cashier give him the card you created to explain.

***

Kathryn Tess and I are going to donate clothes in honor of Steve today. I'm writing this in Tess's baby journal, I want to do this every year with her. Of the many things we want our child to learn is to be is kind, thoughtful and generous to others.

***
Gifts from one teacher to her entire kindergarten team:

***

Yesterday, we acted early and brought our hard-working swim coaches ice-cold bottles of water. (We don't attend practice today.) They work each day in a hot, humid, dark pool and somehow manage upbeat attitudes and happy faces with the kids. We're so appreciative of them!

We plan to contribute more later today ...

***

The boys are taking flowers and thank you notes to their teachers today.

***

Kyle is taking chips & salsa this morning to his football coaches for a Friday snack.

43 acts of kindness update

2011-10-30T17:14:00.000-05:00

Cooper, Katie and I are blown away by the response so far to 43 acts of kindness! We can't wait to celebrate Steve's 43rd birthday by sharing love and kindness with the folks all around us.

1. I created an event on Facebook (you can find it by clicking here), and already 160 people have committed to performing an act of kindness this Friday in memory of Steve! Thank you so much for embracing our idea. (You can read the original post here.)

2. Our friend Kelly Cox suggested that we make available a card that you can print to attach to a gift or to leave behind on Friday. You can click here for the printable card.

3. Please remember to email me Friday after you've performed your act of kindness. Send a note about what you did and a photo if you have it. (Cellphone photos are great.) I can't wait to share with everyone the love you all are sharing.

4. Feel free to share the idea with your circle of friends -- through your own blog, email, Facebook, word of mouth.

Save the date: 43 acts of kindness

2011-10-25T10:18:00.003-05:00

Steve's 43rd birthday is next Friday, Nov. 4. Cooper, Katie and I have talked about how we want to celebrate, and we need your help.

We're hoping that a few of you will pitch in and perform acts of kindness wherever you are. Our goal is 43 acts of kindness throughout the day, Nov. 4, in memory of Steve.

Here are some of ideas we've talked about, though I know you all can come up with even better ideas, specific to your community or situation.

Walk through your neighborhood early in the morning, pick up newspapers thrown on lawns and place on front steps instead
Tape a few quarters to a vending machine to help buy someone else's snack or drink
Buy coffee for the car behind you at Starbucks
Rake and bag leaves for a neighbor
Let someone (or a couple of someones) go in front of you in the grocery store line
Find a busy location at lunch and hold the door open for a few minutes
Bake a batch of cookies and take them to your church or school or office receptionist
Leave a thank-you note for your mail carrier
Leave encouraging, cheerful notes in unexpected places
Clean up litter on your street or at a nearby park
When eating out, double your usual tip
Clean out your closet and donate gently used items to a clothes closet

There are many more ideas here and here and here.

After you've performed your act of kindness on Nov. 4, please send me a note (tyradamm@gmail.com) and include a photo if you'd like. I'd love to document the 43 acts of kindness on the blog. (I won't include your name unless you ask me to.)

Thank you!

6

2011-10-20T10:31:00.000-05:00

For lots of little reasons, this has been a greater-than-usual missing Steve kind of week.

1. His 43rd birthday is approaching.

2. The Rangers are in the World Series, and just having baseball games on TV makes me miss Steve.

3. He was in my dreams two nights in a row this week.

4. Being the only present parent is sometimes more difficult than I ever imagined. And I've got a big imagination.

And the biggest:

5. It's fully hitting me that it's autumn and that Katie is 6. Cooper was 6 and it was autumn when Steve's health problems began to present.

That means it's been almost four years since life was "normal" around here.

October 2007: Cooper is 6, Katie is 2.

Four years ago, Katie was in preschool two days a week. Cooper was in first grade. Steve was working 50, 60 hours a week and singing in church choir and helping with Cub Scouts. I was freelancing from home a little and managing Cooper's Destination Imagination team and doing some other volunteer work.

Fall 2007: 6-year-old chess-playing Coop

Steve was taking Cooper to Saturday chess tournaments. (I'll be taking Katie to her first chess tournament this Saturday.)

I ache for that "normal" while fully trying to embrace our new "normal."

Fall 2007: Katie is 2, Steve is 39. At this moment, we'd never even heard of glioblastomas.

Angry eyes

2011-10-15T19:24:00.000-05:00

One time in my life I had to help fire someone. It was really awful. Necessary but awful.

That day I was wearing a pair of greenish brownish eyeglasses. That night, after I came home from work and told Steve about the meeting that ended in a firing, Steve dubbed those glasses my "angry eyes."

Years later, when Steve was fighting the Damm Spot, I would wear my angry eyes to medical appointments. We would joke that my angry eyes would scare the tumor right out of Steve's head.

As my prescription has changed, I've had the lenses for my angry eyes and my other two pair of glasses changed.

Lately I've had trouble with night vision. Driving after dark has been a little dicey, as I don't have good depth perception. So, I visited my eye doctor (the same doctor who fitted me for my first pair of glasses in 1984) this week.

My prescription has changed again, and I was prepared to pay for three new sets of lenses.

The optician encouraged me to look at new frames. She helped me choose a really cute pair. But buying a new pair PLUS replacing lenses for three old ones is awfully pricey. I was trying to decide what to do.

The optician waved toward the angry eyes and said they were a little dated. Maybe I should just retire them.

Oh, the unexpected grief triggers. The very nice optician had no clue why I started to cry. I filled her in briefly, apologizing the whole time.

See, I know it's totally irrational to cry about not wearing the same glasses that I wore for years. I have memories and photos of the angry eyes. Steve, of all people, embraced change. He encouraged me to try new things, new styles. He would have no expectation that I hold on to every little thing.

But he also would have understood my tears.

In the end, I chose to buy one new pair of frames and one new pair of prescription sunglasses (something Steve always pushed me to do, though I never did). And the three old pair of glasses, which I've been wearing since Cooper was a toddler, will be retired.

I'll find a special perch in my room for the angry eyes.

Steve and me with my angry eyes, December 2008

No crash, no fire

2011-10-14T10:21:00.001-05:00

Yesterday I served as one of many lunchroom monitors during first- and fifth-grade lunch so that our teachers could enjoy an outdoor teacher appreciation luncheon. (I should write a much longer post on the differences between lunch with 6-year-olds and lunch with 10-year-olds.)

I was summoned to a table full of Katie's classmates to open a water bottle. While there, I came under friendly interrogation.

Most of the children in Katie's first-grade class weren't in her kindergarten class. Most of them don't know her well. Still, I just assumed that they knew that Katie's daddy had died -- I guess because she discusses it openly.

Most of them, in fact, didn't know. She recently read one of her writing samples to a small group in class. She wrote about family; halfway through she writes, "My daddy died. He was so nice." (I've cleaned up the spelling. You can see the charming original work here.)

So, this table full of first-graders had some questions for me.

Child 1: "Mrs. Damm, is it true that Katie's daddy DIED?!"

Me: "Yes, sadly. He had an illness called cancer, and all the medicine we tried couldn't make him healthy and he died."

Child 2: "So, did he die in a big plane crash?"

Child 3: "Yeah, was it a plane crash?"

Me: "Um, no. He had something called cancer, and his body couldn't keep working."

Child 2: "So, was it like a really big fire?"

Me: "No, no fire. No crash. He was just very, very sick."

All around me there were looks of disappointment. Honestly, I couldn't tell if they were sad for Katie or sad that there wasn't a better story. I tried to mask my curious amusement with so many earnest faces staring at me.

Child 1, with huge eyes: "So, are you and Katie ALL ALONE?"

Me: "No. Katie has a big brother, Cooper. He's in the fifth grade. He's 10."

Child 1: "Oh. 10 is big."

And then I had to leave because Katie, at the next table, spilled chocolate milk on her leggings.

I was impressed that these sweet children waited to ask me instead of Katie. They wanted to understand, but they didn't know how to ask her. I have no doubt that Katie could have explained it herself, but I feel certain that her classmates didn't ask her out of concern for her feelings.

Found

2011-10-11T09:13:00.000-05:00

Cooper and Katie love to hear stories about Steve or me from when we were young. (They can each tell the tales of Steve falling off a swing in sixth grade and me hitting my head after jumping on the bed when I was 4 with precise detail.)

While we were celebrating Uncle Jim's birthday this weekend, Katie asked to hear a story. Betty had an even better idea -- photos to help tell stories. She pulled out a treasure box filled with photos, notes and slides, representing decades of Damm history.

The box included this photo, taken in 1995 or 1996.

Old and new

2011-10-10T20:32:00.002-05:00

Cooper was lucky enough to tag along today with the Spears family to Game 2 of the ALCS. The mighty Texas Rangers are facing the Detroit Tigers.

There's so much to love about this photo.

1. Cooper is so tall that I have to tilt my camera (or in this case, my iPad) at an angle to fit him in the frame and be close enough for details.

2. Cooper is wearing a blue Rangers T-shirt, a gift from Uncle Jim, who was in town this weekend to celebrate his 45th birthday.

3. On top of that, he's wearing Steve's vintage Rangers away jersey. I'm pretty sure that Steve bought it just before we started dating or just after, which makes it almost 20 years old.

4. Coop is also wearing one of Steve's (many) Rangers caps. It's a fitted cap, and it's a little big but not too big.

5. He's on his way to a game that the Rangers went on to win in dramatic fashion -- a walk-off grand-slam in the 11th inning. (Katie and I watched the last three innings at home.)

6. The Rangers are playing the Tigers, probably Steve's second favorite team. While he was a student at the University of Michigan, Steve attended quite a few games at the old Tiger Stadium. I have no doubt that Steve is rooting for the Rangers, but I also know he'd be proud of the Tigers.

I've got a big ol' long list of disappointments with Steve gone. I work hard to not dwell on the list, to acknowledge the list without being paralyzed by it. Part of my strategy to make that happen is to acknowledge the blessings all around us despite the disappointments.

So, yes, I'm supremely disappointed:

That Steve never lived to see the Rangers make the World Series last year or this ACLS
That when the three of us watch games together it's me answering the questions and not the real family expert
That Cooper continues to miss out on the father-son bond over games (and Katie, too -- she loves watching)
That I'll never again go to a Rangers game with my sweet Steve

But I'm also thankful:

That we have friends who include us in their own family activities
That our children enjoy a sport that Steve loved so much
That Cooper carries so much of Steve in him and was able to carry some of his Rangers gear in to today's game

Just two more wins, and the mighty Rangers will be back in the World Series!

Red Balloon Run

2011-10-02T19:49:00.001-05:00

The second annual Red Balloon Run & Relay is set for Saturday, Oct. 22. The race benefits Children's Medical Center (Steve's former employer) and takes place at the hospital's Plano campus.

For about a year I've been hoping to run the 5K. I even established a Run for Steve team and registered myself for the race.

But I've decided that I can't do it this year.

For one, I haven't been running enough lately to feel ready for it. And I can't devote the time right now to coordinate all the details for our Run for Steve team.

What pushed me over the edge, though, was being on the Plano campus two weeks ago.

Katie and I were in the ophthalmology clinic at Children's Legacy, waiting for her eye exam. I was completing a stack of forms and was just overwhelmed with missing Steve. The Children's logo was all over the place, and then there was the form describing electronic medical records, which I knew was based on software that Steve had worked on.

Then another mom in the clinic was telling me about her older children, now adults, who had a hard time growing up because their dad ran off. "It sure was hard raising those girls without their dad," she said. "That's why my girls ran so wild. There was no dad in the house."

I just listened. I didn't share anything myself. (She definitely needed someone just to listen to her.)

The appointment itself was exhausting. Katie is no fan of anything medical. When she heard that she would need eyedrops (for dilation), she freaked out. She screamed and cried, and it took two nurses plus me to hold her still for the drops.

Katie left with a prescription for lenses for nearsightedness. And I left with the strong sense that this year isn't the right year for me to run for Children's. I love the hospital and the people who work there and the families the organization serves. And I'm hoping that next year I can gather a whole bunch of you to run with me.

This year, though, I'm going to be content as a phantom runner.

At first I thought of myself as a failure for backing out. But now I'm considering it a victory that I've recognized what I'm not capable of doing just now.

If any of you would like to join the Red Balloon Run and need a team, feel free to join the Run for Steve team (already established). Click here for the team page.

Each moment matters

2011-09-29T09:22:00.001-05:00

Yesterday I had a small role in the Each Moment Matters luncheon, a fundraiser for Presbyterian Communities and Services. PCS is the nonprofit group that includes Faith Hospice Services, the hospice group that cared for Steve in his final weeks and provided bereavement care for me, Cooper and Katie.

You may remember the video that Faith produced as part of its fundraising efforts for the T. Boone Pickens Hospice and Palliative Care Center. (You can see it here.)

I learned before the event that the video has been shown dozens and dozens of times all over North Texas. And that some of Steve's colleagues at Children's Medical Center watched the video but couldn't finish it. (I understand. I have trouble watching it, too.) The video helps deliver the message of why bereavement services are so crucial for families who have experienced a loss.

What an awesome legacy for our beloved Steve!

At the beginning of the luncheon, five us were on stage. One by one, under a spotlight, we spoke about how our lives were affected by the nonprofit.

My scripted line:
"My name is Tyra. While caring for my husband, Steve, Faith made each moment matter by providing music therapy for our two young children, which led to 13 crucial months of bereavement services."

By now you surely know my fear of public speaking. Steve Damm would scarcely know who I am, standing up in front of 800-plus fancily dressed people. I delivered the line with what may have appeared to be a dramatic pause but was in fact a pause to steady myself and not throw up in front of all those folks.

After I sat at my table (next to Betty, who also attended), a woman approached me.

"Tyra, I'm Rachel," she said.

She looked vaguely familiar, but I truly had no idea who she was.

"I was one of Steve's nurses."

Of course. (I'm not sure why I hadn't considered that I would see one of his caregivers there.)

Rachel was the best of Steve's hospice nurses. She would come in the middle of the night to address pain and catheter issues. She was compassionate and tender and matter-of-fact.

She was the nurse who evaluated Steve on Sept. 6 and then led me to the dining room to tell me that his time on earth was nearing an end. She helped me understand how his body was shutting down, helped me understand what steps needed to happen next.

After we hugged and I cried a little and I thanked her for her care, she told me a story.

About seven months after Steve died, Rachel was caring for a young woman who was dying.

The woman told Rachel that she had found great comfort in reading a blog about another family in a similar crisis.

She had been reading Steve's blog. (This is the moment I started to cry more.)

She knew all about Steve, Cooper, Katie and me.

Rachel promised this woman that if she ever saw me again, she would share what the blog meant to her.

What an awesome legacy for our beloved Steve.

TNT

2011-09-24T16:50:00.002-05:00

One of the many traditions I love at our school is the TNT (Teachers Notice Things) award. Students are recognized for above-and-beyond acts of kindness and compassion.

Cooper received a TNT early in his kindergarten year. He received his second yesterday, early in his fifth-grade year.

During the assembly I sat in the back of the cafeteria and listened to Mrs. Woodson praise Cooper in front of the whole school and watched my sweet son stand next to her. And I so badly wanted to call Steve or send him a text.

Beverly Woodson (world's best principal) and Cooper
(photo by Katie's teacher, Shannon Gallant)

But I know that Steve knows. And I know that Steve is proud of our son -- who looks more like Steve every day and who acts more like Steve all the time.

A couple of mom friends and teacher friends stopped by to tell me that they, too, were proud of Cooper. And they, too, had tears in their eyes. Because they have also watched Cooper grow from that little kindergartener to a giant fifth-grader, have watched him struggle to make sense of Steve's illness and death, have watched him be goofy, have watched him share the same kind of tender heart and gentle disposition that defined his Daddy's character.

Why?

2011-09-22T23:40:00.001-05:00

I was at the kitchen table, editing on deadline. I had put Katie to bed 30 minutes earlier.

She cried out.

I saved the story I was working on and hustled to her room.

She wanted a hug. Then the words came tumbling out: "I want to see Daddy. I want him here. Why did he have to die when he was 40? He didn't get to see me when I was 6."

I snuggled her and hugged her and told her that I, too, wanted to see Daddy, that I want him here. That I wish he could tuck her in and read to her and hug her when she is 6. And that I was so very sorry he couldn't.

Then she gave me a kiss and I gave her another big hug and walked back to the kitchen to work.

'He was nice.'

2011-09-16T19:31:00.001-05:00

It's been a tough week. A week with lots of bright spots, but tough nonetheless.

Some parenting challenges related to age-appropriate-yet-frustrating behavior.
A dear friend facing a monumental crisis.
Onset of fall allergy season.
A new work schedule that requires a huge adjustment on how I order just about everything at home.
A PTA meeting that I've been planning since summer -- a success, I think, but a minefield of details.
An accident involving my car (it was parked, no one was in it) that has created an additional layer of logistical challenges.
Cooper taking Created By God, a human sexuality class, which I know he's ready for but I'm not ready for because I can't help but wish Steve were here to be a part of the very important, ongoing discussion.

This afternoon I was trying to take a short nap, before Cooper and Katie were home from school, before the driving that their activities require, before my copy editing shift (mercifully from home) that begins at 7:30 tonight.

I was asleep for maybe 10 minutes when the phone rang. (It was a call related to the accident.) I was startled by the call, and my first thought was, "I'm really doing this by myself. Steve really isn't here."

Because all those challenges from the week would be less daunting if Steve were here -- not so much to do stuff (though that would certainly be nice) but to talk with.

Tonight I was driving Cooper and two of his buddies to the Created By God workshop. One of his friends saw a photo of Steve.

"I remember your Dad. He was nice."

Such sweet simple words with so much weight.

He was nice. Oh, gracious, he was nice -- an enthusiastic friend to everyone without judgment.

That first sentence is what really gets me, though -- "I remember your Dad."

Steve as a memory. A sweet, sweet memory.

Los Angeles

2011-09-13T13:59:00.000-05:00

When Steve and I were married in 1994, I worked nights on the copy desk at the Lubbock Avalanche-Journal and a few days a week as a temp for a slightly shady financial company. Steve soon after started working on his MBA at Texas Tech while also working full time.

We didn't see much of each other those three years, even when I took a day job as the regional editor at the A-J (and was able to quit the part-time admin job).

When Steve graduated in May 1997, he was recruited by Arthur Andersen to be a consultant in their health care practice. He worked one 80-hour-week in the downtown Dallas office and then left town for a year-long job in Los Angeles followed by a two-year job in St. Louis. He was gone Monday through Thursday or Friday every week for three years.

I worked nights at the Fort Worth Star-Telegram before I finally convinced the Dallas Morning News to hire me.

We didn't see much of each other those three years, either.

When our schedules finally aligned in 2000, we were a little worried that we wouldn't get along. Then we realized those first few years of independence were exactly what we needed. We developed our own interests and friendships -- and then had the privilege to share them with each other.

With all that in mind, when it was time to choose this year's I-can't-be-home-over-Labor-Day-weekend destination, Los Angeles was an easy choice.

I wanted to share LA with Cooper and Katie. It was an important city to Steve and me. And Gretchen, one of my dearest friends, lives there now. We met at the Avalanche-Journal long ago.

So, Gretchen and her boyfriend, Anthony, showed us LA. We stayed in their darling Pasadena home and let them drive us all around.

A glimpse at some of the fun:

Katie couldn't get enough of LA -- or Anthony's convertible. She screamed, laughed or sang the entire ride to and from the farmers market.

At the market, she joined in a jam session led by a musician dude. Doesn't she look right at home?

Who did we find at the Getty Center? Uncle Jim! He was in town for the Disneyland Half Marathon and drove up from Anaheim to meet us at the museum. (For those who don't yet know -- Uncle Jim has moved from Houston to the DC area for a new job.)

Anthony and Gretchen kept us busy for three full days of fun.

Oh, I love the beach. This is my view of Cooper and Katie playing at a Malibu beach. They jumped waves for three hours.

I still get weepy when I see a photo of the three of us. I'm so thankful for Katie and Cooper. And I miss Steve Damm so very, very much.

We rode the roller coaster at the Santa Monica Pier. Katie and Anthony held their arms high.

The Natural History Museum of Los Angeles has an incredible, newly renovated Dino Hall.

Handsome Cooper was fascinated by the La Brea Tar Pits.

There are even more photos here and here and here.

Two years

2011-09-07T21:59:00.000-05:00

I exchanged text messages with sweet Kerith today. (She is one of the most devoted pray-ers I've ever known.) I wrote that this has been the "longest/fastest two years ever."

Two years ago today I was holding hands with Steve when he took his final breath. It's been two years since any of us have heard his voice (other than recorded) or felt the warmth of his hugs (even when it was a one-armed hug because his left arm wouldn't cooperate) or received a Steve email signed "Cheers!"

Two impossibly long and short years.

In that time, Cooper has grown to five-foot-one and Katie to four-foot-two.

Cooper has read more novels than I have in the same amount of time (and has been diagnosed with dyslexia), has completed two triathlons, has camped away from home for nights at a time, has served our church as the most devoted acolyte I've ever seen, has learned to play piano, has taught himself to walk on stilts.

Katie has completed preschool and started elementary school, has learned to read, has created countless works of art, has spoken the wisest words I've ever heard from a child, has improvised dozens of songs, has become a Girl Scout, has described an angel's life in heaven with vivid detail and confidence.

I've written about 200 columns for Briefing, have edited more stories than I can recall, have volunteered hundreds of hours for church, multiple schools and Girl Scouts, have made new, dear friends, have run races and completed a triathlon, have stepped out of my comfort zone to speak in front of crowds.

Together we've traveled all over the country and beyond. We've created precious memories at home, on soccer fields, at the movies and museums, at the neighborhood swimming pool. We've spent time with Jim, Betty and Uncle Jim, and Melane, Greg, Brooke and Molli, and Ami, Rich, Sasha and Tara.

We have been loved on and cared for by a community of family and friends-who-are-family and friends and neighbors and teachers and co-workers and acquaintances that consistently amazes me.

We've told Daddy stories. We've prayed for him daily. We've kept his memory alive. We've tried to keep the essence of Steve alive in this home.

It has been two years of living without Steve and yet still living with his love that never dies.

It has been two years of emptiness and joy, intertwined and sometimes inseparable.

May 2006

Associations and hope

2011-09-02T15:50:00.000-05:00

I'm getting really restless at home. I'm sitting in the big comfy chair in the corner of my bedroom (it's where I do the bulk of my writing and editing), and I can't help but think about the Friday night two years ago, and then the Saturday night and the awful Sunday that led to Steve's final breath on Labor Day.

I've always been big on associations.

For example, when I'm at a certain intersection in Carrollton, I think of the night I was driving Jayshree after dinner and I turned right on red. With an arrow. She didn't see the arrow and screamed. That was more than 20 years ago, and I can still hear her sincere concern that I was leading us into disaster.

And when I'm on a particular stretch of LBJ in North Dallas, I think of the summer days that Melane and I would walk from our Farmers Branch neighborhood to Northtown Mall, on the other side of 635. We would cross on a pedestrian bridge. We'd stand in the middle and try to coerce truck drivers into honking their horns (we'd move our right arm in the universal symbol that means "please honk to entertain me"). That bridge is about to be demolished, by the way, and I'm sad that Mel and I didn't stand in the middle one more time. I don't think we've crossed that bridge since 1981.

Last night was Curriculum Night at school. It's when parents gather in classrooms to learn expectations from teachers for the year.

Two years ago, Jim and Betty were at home with Steve, Cooper and Katie. I hated to leave the house for that hour, but I also hated to miss an important night at school.

I walked to Bledsoe. An hour later, there was an awful storm outside. There was no way I could walk home in the driving rain and lightning.

Julia Brinlee, Cooper's first-grade teacher, drove me home. She had been Cooper's teacher when Steve was diagnosed. She knew how to read my face, knew when I needed a hug after school.

On this night, she parked in front of our home and prayed for Steve and our family. I'm certain that I cried. And then I ran inside to check on my most treasured loved ones.

Steve seemed to have declined even more in that hour I was gone. It was his final Thursday night on earth.

So, last night I attended two sessions -- one on first grade, one on fifth grade. I listened. Took notes. And thought of that night two years ago.

I also associate this time of year with babies. So many friends were pregnant with babies in summer 2009. I didn't send a single gift or card (that I recall -- details are fuzzy) for those precious babies, but with every birth I thanked God for new life.

Today our church family welcomes another new life: Matilda Grace, tiny daughter to Amy and Branden.

I've spent some of today crying, thinking of Steve and the pain he endured and long list of people who love and miss him. And I've spent other moments staring at a tiny photo of Matilda, posted on Facebook, thinking of the hope and promise of this new life and the long list of people who already love her.

What I remember

2011-08-29T12:49:00.000-05:00

For the most part, I choose to remember details from life with Steve from when I met him (by chance in the office of the NT Daily in December 1991) until late 2007, just before we knew something was seriously wrong.

Because Steve was not defined by what ultimately killed him. And because some of the memories of life with the Damm Spot are just painful to relive.

But this time of year I can't help it. And, I don't want to forget all the amazing moments from the 19 months of "cancer time." After all, we crammed as much life into those months as possible.

I could dwell now on the multiple crises and sleepless nights and amplified worry that I didn't want to end because, well, that would truly be the end. And sometimes my mind can't help but think of those moments.

Today, though, I've been thinking of some of the lighter moments from Steve's last few weeks.

Steve would occasionally update his Facebook status from his hospice bed with "p = y" or "p = n" but gave no clues behind the meaning. Will cleared up the mystery for everyone at the memorial service. "Pants equal yes" or "Pants equal no."

Julie came to visit and help one evening. By the end of the day, I required help from another adult to shift him in bed to avoid bedsores and to help him find a comfortable spot. Steve wasn't wearing a shirt (though pants did equal yes), so he sang to Julie, in the raspy voice that he had left, "I'm too sexy for my shirt."

He loved, loved, loved it when Cooper or Katie would snuggle up next to him to share a meal or watch television or listen to me read.

We would have dinner picnics in the bedroom.

On his very last weekend on earth, our dear friend Gretchen was visiting. (Her visit had been planned for weeks; we had no idea, of course, that she would be here when his body started to irreparably shut down.)

That Friday night, Gretchen, Steve and I remembered stories from our days in Lubbock and our travels together over the years. We laughed and laughed. It was good for all of our souls. And it comforts me so much to remember that some of Steve's final conscious hours were spent laughing.

This Labor Day weekend, two years after Steve's body stopped working altogether, Cooper, Katie and I will be with Gretchen again. I just can't bear to be home, so we're headed west, to Southern California.

I expect there will be a few tears. And lots of laughter.

Late August

2011-08-21T21:27:00.001-05:00

I am no fan of late August.

The unrelenting heat. The brown grass. The worrisomely low levels of nearby Lake Lewisville.

Plus the memories of late August 2009, when Steve's health was failing, and every day, sometimes every hour, brought a new crisis.

And now it's the eve of the first day of school -- fifth grade for Cooper, first grade for Katie -- and there's just me in the house for them.

This one-parent household business is pretty routine by now, when it comes to routine matters. The three of us can handle meals and chores and shopping and outings and fun pretty well (though I certainly still ask for help when needed).

I don't expect milestones will ever be so routine.

When I tucked Katie into bed tonight and gave her lots of kisses and wished her good first-grade dreams, I silently, irrationally wished that Steve were here to do the same.

Same thoughts when I helped Cooper arrange his pillows and blankets (he requires lots of each) and bent down for a crushing, long-armed hug. Steve should be here to say goodnight to his son on the eve of his first day of the last year of elementary school.

After they were asleep, I cried and cried.

(Another reason to dislike late August -- it's too hot to cry too much! Those tears represent dehydration!)

In a few weeks the temperatures will stop soaring above 100. We'll have moved past the late August doldrums (and past Sept. 7, which I dread more than all of August). This school year will feel routine -- or at least our current version of routine.

***

Indian Island, Washington State

We did escape this historic heat for a few days. Cooper, Katie and I had a grand adventure in Seattle, the Olympic Peninsula and Victoria, B.C. I'm blogging about that trip on "the happy blog" -- click here for photos and stories.

Power of words

2011-08-19T07:05:00.000-05:00

Two weeks ago I wrote a column about themes of death and grief in children's literature. (You can read it here.)

It's an idea I've had for more than a year, based on my uncanny knack to choose bedtime books that inevitably have a parent die. Each time we would get to a death scene (or I would infer it was coming), I would get a little angry with myself for exposing Cooper and Katie to yet another tragedy.

I've since realized that (1) it's hard to avoid death in classic children's literature and (2) it's a good thing for us to read together about the hope that comes from desperate situations.

The column ran in Friday's paper. Friday night I received the most vitriolic email from a reader in my 18-year newspaper career. I deleted the email (after forwarding it to my editors) and am still trying to forget some of the worst phrases. In general, the reader -- who refused to sign his/her name -- told me to move on, to stop using my children, to stop acting as if I'm the only one who's ever experienced a loss, to leave my dead husband alone.

Oh, the power of words.

I was shaken for two days. (It didn't help that Cooper and Katie were gone for the weekend, attending of all things a bereavement camp sponsored by a national foundation.)

I've tried to be deliberate over the past three years in separating blog material from column material. This blog started three and a half years ago to keep family and friends current on Steve's complicated diagnosis process. It has evolved into a way to share with those same folks, plus a few more who've joined us along the way, how our family continues to cope with Steve's profound absence.

I was offered the role of a Briefing columnist in the middle of Steve's cancer battle. In that very first, rather benign column (which drew all kinds of anger on a Dallas blog for being a worthless column from a suburban housewife), I made the decision to not even mention Steve's condition; this was not a column about cancer but about family life.

Of course, I eventually wrote about Steve's tumor. My editor, Will, helped me find a direction for that first column, in which I shared the silver linings of our cancer journey. As conditions and themes developed, I shared more.

When he died, I took three weeks off before sharing with newspaper readers. And in the two years since, I've written columns about our grief journey off and on, as conditions and themes develop.

Readers respond more to the topic of grief than any other theme. Almost all of them write to share a little of their own grief story.

And yet I allowed that one hateful email to obliterate the goodwill from dozens of previous notes.

Two nights later, I received an email from a reader in Flower Mound (she actually signed her name). It was a simple compliment. And it was perfectly timed. Her kind words -- words from a stranger who had no idea I was hurting -- were the balm I needed.

Oh, the power of words.

Hope lies in hearts of those left behind

2011-08-05T21:30:00.000-05:00

From today's Briefing:

Our nighttime routine usually includes all four creatures of the house — me, Cooper, Katie and Margie (the dog) — piled on the sofa for a chapter from a book.

In the past year we’ve worked our way through the first three Harry Potter novels, The Secret Garden and Anne of Green Gables.

We’ve also cried through every one.

Maybe everyone cries at some part during these books. But the theme of loss found in these stories hits our little family especially hard — because the pile on the sofa once included Steve, the patriarch of the house.

The kids and I have lived with Steve’s absence for almost two years. Death is not an abstract or fictional concept around here.

For a while after Steve’s death, I tried to shield our children, especially young and sensitive Katie, from death in books and movies. I didn’t want to needlessly add to our fresh grief.

But death isn’t easy to escape, as any fan of Disney movies or fairy tales or classic literature knows.

The Lion King? Simba watches his father die.

Cinderella? She lives with her awful stepmother and stepsisters because her mother died.

Charlotte’s Web? Readers grow to love Charlotte as much as Wilbur, and then she dies.

All for good reason. Death is more than just a convenient plot device. It’s more than the end of a life. Death is woven into our lives.

I quickly abandoned any hope of avoiding references to death.

Just before bedtime, I sit in the middle of the sofa, with Katie snuggled on my right and Cooper sprawled on my left and Margie wedged somewhere in between.

Together we’ve pushed through Harry Potter’s intense longing to know his parents. My voice broke the night I read aloud Albus Dumbledore’s words: “Your mother died to save you. … To have been loved so deeply, even though the person who loved us is gone, will give us some protection forever.”

Together we were horrified to learn that Mary Lennox’s parents die in a Cholera outbreak, leaving the sour girl orphaned and pushed out of India to England, where she eventually discovers a secret garden. (A garden that eventually saves a life or two.)

Together our hearts were shattered when reading the death of Matthew, gentle guardian to spirited Anne of Green Gables.

Tuesday night Cooper rested his head on my left side. I wrapped my right arm around Katie’s shoulders and held the book with my left hand.

I read with a soft, broken voice: “Anne looked at the still face and there beheld the seal of the Great Presence.”

Katie sobbed throughout the chapter. I would stop every few paragraphs to ask if she wanted to hear more. She would nod silently while mopping her cheeks with her hands.

Cooper implored, “Katie, it’s not real. It’s fiction.”

I added, “But it’s OK to cry. Matthew’s not real but our sadness is.”

That night we didn’t stop with the death chapter. We read two more, to the end of the book, because I was hopeful for a happy ending.

Author Lucy Maud Montgomery didn’t disappoint. She gives Anne the role of heroine, saving the family farm and her adoptive mother from ruin.

“Anne’s horizons had closed … but if the path set before her feet was to be narrow she knew that flowers of quiet happiness would bloom along it.”

Even with Matthew’s death, there is hope for those he left behind.

There’s hope for all of us.

Tyra Damm is a Briefing columnist. Email her at tyradamm@gmail.com.

Today's reasons

2011-08-01T20:08:00.000-05:00

I keep a few running lists on the reasons why I miss Steve. Almost two years later, there are still dozens of unique reasons.

A few just from today:

Because the kids and I drove through Hope, Ark., on the way home from Little Rock. (We had been visiting friends in Little Rock, and I wanted to bring home a delicious Hope watermelon.) The only other time I've ever been in Hope (or Little Rock) was in September 1993 with Steve.

Because we were on a road trip. If Steve and I had written nontraditional wedding vows, they would have included these words: "I, Steve, promise you, Tyra, to always be your driver. I will drive you to the grocery store and to the movies and on any vacation as long as we both shall live. I will drive you as you work on your computer or read a book or tell me stories or nap. I ask only for a steady supply of Diet Coke and french-burnt peanuts and occasional control of the music in return."

Because Katie's reading skills improve a little each day. I so wish that Steve could sit with her and listen and then tell her what a great job she is doing.

Because Cooper is just three inches shorter than me and a foot shorter than his Daddy was. I would love to see 10-year-old Cooper standing next to 42-year-old Steve.

Because it's 8 p.m. and our exhausted children are already asleep and the house is so quiet.

I set out to study the past, found comfort in the present

2011-07-21T17:24:00.002-05:00

My column from today's Briefing:

I had an entirely selfish motive when I formed a summer Bible study group.

I wanted to learn more about the Old Testament Book of Ruth, and I wanted help. I found a study guide, chose six Thursday nights in June and July and invited friends to join me.

Ruth drew my interest because she was a widow, like me. Well, not exactly like me.

She and her husband never had children. After he died, she chose to follow her mother-in-law from her own country (Moab, in the modern state of Jordan) to a foreign land (Bethlehem, where Moabites weren’t exactly welcome). And she lived thousands of years ago.

Otherwise, she was kind of like me.

Over the past few weeks, I’ve satisfied my selfish motive. I’ve learned more about Ruth than any other Old Testament figure. In the process, I’ve filled other needs I didn’t even know existed.

When Steve was alive and healthy, in the blissful years of our marriage before his brain cancer, we loved to entertain. And I use “we” deliberately. We were a team.

Together we would plan and prepare menus and drinks. Clean the house. Maybe buy and install a new light fixture just hours before guests arrived.

In the moments before a dinner party would begin, Steve would force me to stop running around as if the queen herself were about to grace us with her presence. He’d pull me in to the family room or entryway, drape an arm around my shoulders and say, “I love our home.”

He loved the warm colors we’d painted and the art we’d carefully and frugally collected. He loved the lamps turned on and overhead lights turned off. He loved the sense of comfort and welcome that we’d cultivated.

I will never be able to re-create that feeling of standing next to my very best friend just moments before dear friends arrive. And I suspect that’s part of why entertaining has been a low priority since Steve died. (That and basic survival and lack of time.)

But I didn’t think of all that when I pulled a study group together. I just thought we’d sit in the family room and talk about the Bible.

Then I started to worry. I can’t have people over in the evening and not serve food and drinks. So I bought some wine and prepared a couple of simple snacks.

Which meant I needed to pull out platters and wine glasses. And pretty napkins. Before I realized it, I had prepped the house for a small-scale social affair.

Admittedly, it’s been a little rough around the edges. Some Thursday nights there are dirty dishes in the sink. Countertops aren’t spotless.

They’re my friends, though, and they’re not here for a House Beautiful photo shoot.

We eat, drink, pray, talk, debate, quote, cry and laugh. We veer off topic and back on again with ease.

As we’ve learned about Naomi’s journey from bitterness to gratitude and Ruth’s obedience to God and Boaz’s acts of kindness without expectation of reciprocation, we’ve also learned about one another.

Our own losses. Romances. Children. Expectations of ourselves and others. Struggles with following God. Celebration of answered prayer.

I’ve learned that I really needed these women in my family room on Thursday nights this summer. I needed their stories. I needed reasons to laugh until I wheeze.

And I needed a reminder that I can kind of re-create the sense of welcome that Steve and I created together. It will never be exactly the same. I’ll certainly never feel his arm draped around me again.

But when I stand on the front porch, waving goodbye to the last guests, I strongly sense his spirit and imagine him whispering, “I love our home.”

Tyra Damm is a Briefing columnist. Email her at tyradamm@gmail.com.

Little things

2011-07-19T14:27:00.001-05:00

This photo totally reminds me of Steve -- that stare over the spectacles, that smirk hidden by a straw. (It's from Saturday, when Cooper and Katie dressed as Harry and Hermione for a Harry Potter party at Barnes & Noble. Coop is drinking butterbeer.)

***

Katie was sort of dancing around the family room Sunday night before bed when she said, "Even though Daddy isn't where we can see him, he's still part of our team."

***

The pediatric practice that Steve helped to develop for Children's Medical Center (formerly Physicians for Children, now My Children's) is on track to open its seventh and eighth locations within the year.

Thousands and thousands of North Texas children receive quality, consistent health care from excellent (and bilingual) doctors in these clinics. My Children's mostly serves young people who rely on Medicaid or the Children's Health Insurance Program for their health care. The clinics keep children out of the emergency rooms. They offer preventive care and asthma care and nutritional counseling and so much more.

Steve devoted so much of the last nine years of his life to the practice -- it was his true calling. His legacy lives in those children. The very thought of it makes me cry with joy every time.

***

Last week was packed with VBS and work and children's activities and more. Even with lots of help, I was seriously exhausted by Friday.

It was the kind of week that makes this single widowed mom want to crawl into bed at 8 p.m. (though that is never an option). It was the kind of week that makes me miss Steve not just because he was my best friend and soul mate and hilarious and inspiring -- but also because he washed dishes and helped with laundry and fully participated in parenting.

***

Steve would have loved this moment last night, when we devoured cupcakes at a new bakery in Frisco. Katie is often an all-or-nothing sort, just like her Daddy -- as illustrated by pink frosting not just on her lips but also her nose. He would have also loved the fit of Katie giggles after this photo was taken.

Love around the clock

2011-07-04T22:27:00.000-05:00

Some of my friends hatched a lovely plan for July 2, our 17th wedding anniversary.

The idea was "love around the clock," and at least once an hour I received a visit, gift, card, phone call, email or text from a loved one.

The morning started with breakfast treats and my favorite Starbucks drink from Julianne, one of the masterminds behind the sweet, sneaky plan.

As the day progressed, there were more visits and treats from Liz, Shannon (via proxy), Jasmine, Melinda, Jackie, Sharon and Brenda, and most of the Mango family. We ended the day with a fireworks viewing with Julie and Allison and all the Damm-Spears-Earwood children.

I received a beautiful floral arrangement from my Bible study friends (plus Sarah). Lots of desserts. Cards with encouraging words. Sweet texts, emails and Facebook posts. A clock that will forever remind me of the love that surrounds me.

Cooper and Katie loved the parade of visitors and the special treats. (The day started, in fact, with Katie at my bedside: "Good morning, Mommy. It's a special day. Happy anniversary!")

Thank you to all of you (many not even mentioned) for clearing the gloom from the day with multiple acts of hesed.

Hesed -- my new favorite word, discovered during our group's study of the book of Ruth -- is a Hebrew word for kindness, but it's much richer and deeper. It's compassion that goes above and beyond what's expected, without expectation for anything in return.

I love discovering a word that describes exactly what sustained our family from the very first MRI of Steve's brain through today. There have been so many acts of hesed on our behalf; I lost track long, long ago. How blessed I am to raise my children in this community!

***

I've written off and on about people who seem specially placed in our path. I'm convinced that these relationships aren't coincidence.

I'm reminded of three just from Saturday's day of love.

Julianne is a mom at Bledsoe. She and I are serving together on the PTA board beginning this school year. But I knew of her long before I met her.

For a few years, I have been reading Chrys Mundy's blog (taken down recently for privacy reasons). Chrys was a friend of a friend; it turns out we have lots of mutual friends -- meeting and forming our own friendship was only a matter of time.

One of Chrys' friends is Rachel, who I would occasionally read about on Chrys' blog. Eventually I started reading Rachel's blog, where I would also occasionally see her sister-in-law, Julianne.

The same Julianne whose children attend Bledsoe. I sort of felt like I had been spying on her (though not intentionally) and was relieved to "come clean" a few months ago.

The third is Brenda. Brenda is a childhood friend of Sharon, one of my dear friends from the Dallas Morning News. (Sharon is also one of my current editors.)

Brenda teaches P.E. at Leon Heights Elementary School in Belton. Leon Heights is the school that I attended in third grade (and a week of second grade -- that's another crazy story). Some of my Belton friends still live there, and their children are Brenda's students.

Brenda and I have corresponded via email a couple of times but mostly hear about each other through Sharon. Brenda was visiting Sharon in Rockwall this weekend, and they decided to drive to Frisco to visit. It was wonderful to finally meet Brenda in person and give her a big hug.

17 years

2011-07-01T23:26:00.001-05:00

Father's Day this year was tough for me. I kept thinking, "It's so unfair that Cooper and Katie would get the best Daddy in the world -- but only for eight and four years."

And now I'm even more selfish, thinking, "It's so unfair that I would get to marry the best possible person in the world for me -- but only for 15 years."

Our ceremony was at noon on Saturday, July 2, 1994, at Schreiber Memorial United Methodist Church in North Dallas, the church Steve attended in high school and the church Jim and Betty still attend.

I was barely 22. He was 25. (My goodness, I'm thankful that we married when we did. I can't imagine having any less time with him.)

Steve Damm was more than my husband. He was my soul mate and best friend. He was my shelter. He provided stability and strength that granted me emotional peace and rest.

Most days I take comfort in knowing that we were blessed to be together even if only for 15 years. That together we created two amazing children. That I have a deep well of joyful, funny, spirit-strengthening memories from which to draw.

But right now I can't push aside the irrepressible ache from missing Steve. From wishing that we'd spend tomorrow together, celebrating our 17th anniversary with Cooper and Katie. From wanting to hear Steve tell stories about how we met (his version was always more entertaining than mine) and our engagement (and how I subsequently forced him to move to Lubbock) and our wedding day (Steve would always say that he was a wreck that morning, until he saw me).

***

Tomorrow won't be totally awful, of course. For one, I get to spend the day with Cooper and Katie. They both make me laugh all the time.

Take last night, for example. After my Bible study, Cooper and I were visiting.

"So, Momma, how was Bible study?" he asked. "Did you party? Or par-tay?"

It was exactly the sort of question Steve would have asked -- inflection and all.

Glimpses of Steve

2011-06-30T14:39:00.001-05:00

I've shared this column already on the "happy blog." Here seems a good place, too.

From today's Briefing:

Looking back on 10 years in the parenting business

This week I celebrate a decade in my most challenging, rewarding, exasperating, exhilarating job ever.

Baby Cooper

I’ve been a mom for 10 years.

When I gave birth to Cooper, a roly-poly chunk of cheeks and thighs and hair, there was no Facebook or even MySpace. Only three of the eventual seven Harry Potter novels had been published. The towers of the World Trade Center were still standing.

Now he’s three inches shy of me with zero detectable body fat.

He can’t imagine life without instant access to information, no matter how trivial. Nor a world without a mom who chronicles much of his life online.

He never had to wait for J.K. Rowling to finish a manuscript. By the time he caught up with the first few novels, the final books were waiting for him.

He’s traveled all over the country but has no firsthand knowledge of the days when loved ones could greet you at the gate of your arriving plane.

This first fraction of the 21st century has ushered monumental change around the world. Terrorism, economic crisis, devastating natural disasters. It’s often frightening to think of the world that Cooper and his little sister are growing up in.

Part of my on-the-job mom training has been learning when to let those scary events influence our life at home — and when to protect them from harsh reality that can wait.

Only in the past year have I explained the horror of 9/11 to Cooper. That background has helped him better understand our ongoing wars in the Middle East. (I’m still taken aback when he’ll randomly ask at the dinner table, “So, how are things going over in Afghanistan? Have many of our soldiers died lately?”)

With trial and error I’ve learned — and am still learning — when to let him go and when to hold on.

One night when he was in kindergarten, I realized that he was still washing with baby soap. No one told me when to stop buying it. I just kept returning to the same Target aisle to pick up the same bottle of gentle bath wash. In one startling moment I snapped to and realized, “Hey, he’s not a baby or even a toddler anymore.”

This week, I was driving three boys around town. Cooper was the only one who isn’t allowed to play or even watch Halo, a video game in which the player is responsible for killing aliens (I think).

“Why can’t I play Halo?” Cooper wanted to know, again, perhaps hoping that I would cave with his buddies around.

“Because it’s rated ‘Mature,’ and you’re not 17.”

Perhaps you’re rolling your eyes, thinking that I’m overprotective or naïve. That someday soon he’ll be at a friend’s house and Halo will come up and he’ll just ignore my rule. Maybe. But I’m holding on as long as I can.

He’s been bathing with “real” soap for the past few years, but I’m not willing to let go of my standards on violence (or language or sex) just yet. My job experience as mom to Cooper tells me it’s the best decision for our family.

The past decade has also altered our definition of “family.”

When Cooper was 6, his daddy was diagnosed with brain cancer. When Cooper was 8, Steve died.

Almost-10-year-old Cooper

We’ve broadened “family” to include folks who cared for us in crisis and still watch over us today. And to include the husband and dad who isn’t living in the house but who is very much an integral part of this home.

Being mom to Cooper grants me frequent glimpses of Steve. They share a wicked wit, love and gift for music, uncommon gentleness, endearing goofiness, wild enthusiasm, legs built for running, unassuming intelligence, poetic word choice.

Where we are today was blessedly unimaginable 10 years ago, when Steve and I were meeting our firstborn. Thank God no one gave me a detailed job description or list of heartaches to come. I can’t guarantee that I would have said yes.

Instead, we adapt every day to the changes around us and within. I’ve learned that there are no guarantees for security or stability or health. That nothing totally prepares you to be a parent, except being a parent. And that love grows exponentially over a decade.

Imagine what I’ll learn in another 10 years.

Tyra Damm is a Briefing columnist. Email her at tyradamm@gmail.com.

Happy Father's Day ...

2011-06-18T22:23:00.001-05:00

... to the best Daddy ever.

Rough season

2011-06-13T13:03:00.003-05:00

In the next few days, we will celebrate:

1. Father's Day
2. Katie's 6th birthday
3. The beginning of our family: mine and Steve's 17th anniversary
4. Cooper's 10th birthday

Lots of folks talk about "firsts" being difficult. And they were. But I'm not convinced that "seconds" are any easier.

A few friends and I are studying the Old Testament book of Ruth this summer, using a study guide by Kelly Minter. One of last week's lessons focused on weeping forward vs. weeping backward. When Ruth chose to follow Naomi to Bethlehem, she was weeping forward, moving forward, leaving behind her people and the comfort she had known for an unknown, possibly uncomfortable life -- but she was following God's call. Orpah (not Oprah, as I often read/write), on the other hand, was weeping backward, retreating to the comfort of her own people, ignoring God's call.

Minter writes, "Be encouraged. God sees your tears. Cry them, wipe them, feel them, but don't let them stop you. It's possible to cry and walk."

One of my prayers during this rough season is that I'm able to weep forward.

Keep alert, stand firm in your faith, be courageous, be strong.
Let all that you do be done in love.

(1 Corinthians 16:13-14)

Stephen Damm Memorial Award

2011-06-11T18:06:00.001-05:00

Last night graduating neurology resident Dr. Cherie Herren received the Stephen Damm Memorial Award for excellence and compassion.

I presented Dr. Herren with the award (a generous gift from Dr. Shilpa Chitnis and her family) at UT-Southwestern's neurology and neurotherapeutics graduation dinner.

While there, I was also able to meet Dr. James Battiste, last year's recipient of the award, which was established just after Steve's death to recognize a fellow or resident in the department "who best exemplifies the excellence and compassion in patient care for which Steve Damm was well known."

Dr. Battiste told me that receiving the award last year "sealed the deal" on his decision to pursue neuro-oncology. It's obvious from his demeanor and the many accolades he received last night that his patients will be cared for extraordinarily well.

Drs. Herren and Battiste

Steve would be especially proud of Dr. Herren, whose speciality is pediatrics. She practices at Children's Medical Center Dallas, Steve's employer for almost a decade. He would also have been tickled to meet Dr. Herren's tiny, beautiful 3-month-old twin girls.

Once again, I marvel at the legacy of our Steve and thank God for him and his 40 years on earth.