Tuesday, September 17, 2019

I'm thankful my high school years weren't my best years

I have just celebrated 30 years since graduating high school with a reunion at a suburban country club, including a pasta buffet, a DJ serving up '80s tunes and a roomful of people I either remember well or have no recollection of ever seeing once in my entire life.
I left feeling not nostalgic but thankful. Thankful for enduring friendships, fond memories, shared experiences and, most of all, thankful that my high school years weren't my best years. If I could whisper in the ear of 1989 me, I would share, "The best is yet to come."
My generation lacks a singular defining moment. We were mercifully spared the Great Depression and World War II. We were too young for the draft or Woodstock.
We recall gas shortages, hostage crises and the malaise of the 1970s. We remember the flash and excess — and the parachute pants and shoulder pads — of the 1980s. We witnessed the crumbling of the Soviet Union in the early '90s and the dot-com boom and bust during the rest of that decade. We watched pension plans decline and mostly disappear.
We were in the middle of starting families on Sept. 11, 2001. We've been raising our children in a post-9/11 world, seeking balance between sheltering and preparing our kids for an uncertain future.
My generation has learned to adapt to technological changes — some forced upon us and later others of our own design. We grew up with phones attached to walls and televisions that required antennae and someone willing to turn a knob to change the channel. We embraced cable TV, video game consoles and the social-life salvation of call waiting.
I first used an Apple Macintosh SE computer in yearbook in 11th grade, creating pages on a wee screen not much bigger and far less powerful than my current iPhone.
No one I knew owned a mobile phone in college.
I wore a company pager in the late '90s.
I can identify a floppy disk, know how to change the thermal paper on a fax machine, and understand the importance of rewinding VCR tapes — though none of that matters anymore.
I've embraced social media, online shopping, the cloud, countless new applications for work and artificial intelligence (Alexa and I banter every day).
And yet, in a sure sign that I am aging, I'm finding that I have limits.
I have no interest in curating a list of YouTubers to follow. I'm happy to access YouTube for the occasional how-to video (thank you, sink disposal repair geniuses!), but it's never been my go-to entertainment venue.
While I have the Snapchat app, I rarely use it and am perplexed by teenagers who keep up daily streaks by sending photographs of their forehead or a car dashboard or ceiling tiles.
I find myself irritated when my son says he "talked" to someone when in fact he used his phone to send typed messages back and forth. "Talking" requires the exchange of spoken words.
I keep thinking that I understand the definition of a meme, but my daughter tells me I'm wrong. The exact characterization of a VSCO girl eludes me, though I gather that the current version includes puka shell choker necklaces, slip-on Vans and scrunchies (you know, the oversized ponytail holders we wore in '80s). I'm just now catching up to the idea of an eBoy, though I can't be sure that I've seen one in the wild.
I don't need to adopt these trends of Generation Z, and I don't begrudge them their fads, even the ones that will make them cringe when they look back in a couple of decades. I look forward to how they'll change the world, and I hope that they, too, keep seeking their glory days and the promise that the best is yet to come.
Tyra Damm is a Briefing columnist. She can be reached at tyradamm@gmail.com.

Tuesday, September 3, 2019

10 years without Steve: My journey through life and grief in the decade since my husband died

From Saturday's Briefing:

It's been 10 years since my husband took his final breath. I have lived with, wrestled with and made tentative peace with grief ever since.
My journey through a decade of grief is unlike anyone else's because every single path is unique. There is no lockstep through stages. There is no timeline, no guarantee of expiration.
In these years without Steve, I have prayed with and prayed for friends and acquaintances on their own grief journeys. I've learned to offer advice only when asked, and even then I tread lightly, hesitant to intrude on the sacred process of continuing life with a shattered heart.
Yet, there is value in listening to one another's stories, in making connections, in realizing that we are bound together because we feel pain as deeply as we love. With that in mind, these are some of my truths about grief.
The tug of loss never fully disappears. In the first few months after Steve's death, his absence was the first thing I thought of when I woke up and the last thing I remembered as I fell asleep. Our loss doesn't consume me now, but it never goes away.
When our son graduated from high school this past June, I of course wished that Steve had been sitting next to me in the arena, but I didn't dwell on his absence. I was thankful for the family members and friends who were there, for the people who have helped to sustain us.
A few weeks later, though, the morning before Cooper's college orientation, I broke down in the middle of the hotel dining room. There were matched sets of moms and dads at every other table, but at mine there was only a mom with tears in her oatmeal. That wave of grief came out of nowhere, reminding me of its fickle ways.
You can curate your own healthy ways to cope. Cooper, Katie and I find solace by honoring Steve in small, everyday ways. I share Steve stories and photos. We listen to his music and watch his favorite movies.
Cooper inherited Steve's quick wit and sarcasm. Katie inherited his gift of storytelling. They may not remember the tenor and tone of his voice, but they often sound just like him, with familiar phrases and observations.
We go all out to remember him on Nov. 4. For eight years now, we've celebrated Steve's birthday by encouraging acts of kindness in his honor. With the help of enthusiastic friends and social media, our annual tribute to Steve and the power of kindness has spread around the world.
Give yourself credit for what you've built. No one asks for trauma or tragedy, yet it finds us all. The process of living through the associated grief creates all kinds of character-building opportunities.
We've gained perspective because living with loss clarifies the gift of each new day and helps to prioritize problems.
We've developed empathy for families facing a cancer diagnosis or unexpected death. For parents who lose children and children who lose parents. For single moms and single dads. For children in crisis. We're reminded that many struggles are hidden or unnamed and that everyone deserves to be treated with dignity and grace.
We've built layers of resiliency. We have failed one another and asked for forgiveness. We have created huge messes (the great bathroom flood of 2011 comes to mind) and then tamed the chaos. We have cobbled together basic home repair skills. We have been lost but always find our way home.
Life continues. We've discovered new music, authors, movies and restaurants. We've attended weddings and memorial services. We've cuddled newborns. We've traveled across the country and even ventured overseas.
Katie learned to play the violin and then the oboe. Cooper earned the rank of Eagle Scout.
I earned a teaching certificate and now teach middle-school students.
We left our longtime church and found a new congregation closer to home.
Our circle of friends is wider. Our well of memories is deeper. Our passion for life continues. Steve has been gone for 10 years, but I know that he would totally approve.
Tyra Damm is a Briefing columnist. She can be reached at tyradamm@gmail.com.
Cooper, Steve and Katie in October 2005

Katie and Cooper on Nov. 4, 2018, delivering flowers and pumpkin bread to friends in memory of Steve's 50th birthday.

Wednesday, November 7, 2018

50 Acts of Kindness (15)

From a friend who wishes to remain anonymous:

Here’s one for your Damm Kind campaign. Yesterday I met with a single Mom who is going through personal and business bankruptcy. As I sat there listening to her story, I thought of you and your campaign and decided to make a difference. Against my team’s suggestions, I decided to back her financially and get a workout program for her to net $1.2M over three years vs losing everything. She gets paid before anyone else and her two daughters get to go to college and live a normal life, she will have retirement and hopefully will help others. That’s not my doings ... that’s yours. Keep changing the world and please don’t blow my cover.

And best of all ... she can stop the proceedings now.


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From Michelle on Saturday night:

We are preparing for the children's hospital and shelter tomorrow.


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From Nancy of Dallas:

Dear Tyra, I am late with 50 Acts of Kindness, but I want you to know I was thinking of Steve at LaGuardia Airport when I saw a harried father traveling with two young kids in the airport. I gave them the last copy I had of The Queen and the First Christmas Tree as they scrambled to make their flight. Their faces lit up to have a new book to explore on their flight. Thank you and Steve for encouraging all of us to think of others.

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From the UF Neuromedicine Interdisciplinary Clinical and Academic Program at the University of Florida:

We handed out encouraging and punny cards to people throughout the hospital for #dammkind in honor of Steve Damm! #bekindeveryday



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From JoAnn in Coppell:

Exiting Costco during a torrential downpour this week, a fellow shopper attempted turn her windbreaker into a hood as she lament, "Why didn't I bring my umbrella from the car?" 

I offered to go to her car and get her umbrella under the cover of mine. She said yes! 

I thought you and your Steve the whole time! #dammkind

Tuesday, November 6, 2018

50 Acts of Kindness (14)


Cooper, Katie and I have celebrated for a few days. We gave teachers and special people in our lives gift cards for coffee, stocked the Pearson staff restrooms with nice soap, treated Reedy counselors to doughnuts, paid for breakfast for a stranger, cooked and delivered dinner for a friend enduring breast cancer treatment, baked cookies and pumpkin bread for loved ones and neighbors, gave mechanical pencils to classmates, left a generous tip at lunch, surprised a server with a gift card, delivered flowers for a friend undergoing treatment for ovarian cancer, surprised a dog with a cute toy, plus a little extra (kind) mischief here and there.

We can't thank you all enough for supporting us in this celebration each year. Cooper and Katie don't have many memories of their daddy, but they have the most joyful memories of his birthday. And I am overwhelmed when I think of the thousands of people who have received an extra smile, extra help or an unexpected gift because of your generosity and willingness to keep Steve's legacy alive.










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From Debbie in Frisco:

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From Aunt Debby on Whidbey Island, Wash.:

Livi & I dropped off a few of Steve’s cards with a little cash in them at a local bus stop.
One lady said you don’t have to do this, I answered oh yes I do. 😁 A gentleman says nobody does this, nobody, I said oh yes they do❣️

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From Mary:

In memory of your late husband, Steve, I gave these water bottles to my daughter, Natalie.

She volunteers at Stark State College's free pantry for students. She collects donations and the pantry is open to students (to get products they are in need of). It was a small gesture, but they were in need of water bottles.

I am so inspired by your activism in honor of your late husband. It's so  gratifying to be able to pay it forward.


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From Christina in Frisco:

We dropped cookies off for the people who were working at the voting polls! Happy birthday, Steve! ❤️
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From Aunt Marilyn in Charlottesville, Va.:

In memory of Steve and his 50th birthday, I took a large latte to a friend housebound by vertigo. I also took a case of dog food and some other supplies to our local SPCA and finished off by making a donation to the food bank in honor of Tyra Damm, whose loving heart created this wonderful #DammKindcelebration 💝

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From Debbie in Frisco:

Went to the Russell Stover Chocolate Factory & bought chocolates for my co-workers who work tirelessly every day supporting our mission to help Brain Injury patients. ❤️❤️❤️


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From a Market Street employee on Sunday:

Hi, did you by chance buy groceries at market street today? If so I wanted to thank you for your act of kindness (Starbucks gift card) with the note attached. I had a chance to read the note when I got back inside and I wanted to just say thank you and that I am terribly sorry for your loss! We lost a good family friend last week from cancer so this came at a perfect time

Monday, November 5, 2018

50 Acts of Kindness (13)

From Melane in Howe/Anna:

Viola is a sweet, kind, thoughtful and genuine soul. Her steadfast love and joy for the Lord is inspiring. I gave Viola a gift card to treat herself and her family to her favorite restaurant - Chili's. Viola loved hearing how we found a way to spread beauty in the midst of our tragedy and said she will join in the #dammkind party next year. 





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From Melissa in Helotes:

We as a family and with both of my Girl Scout troops answered the National Council of Jewish Women/San Antonio’s call for formal dresses, shoes, jewelry & handbags for the Bexar County Foster Service’s upcoming teen holiday party for foster girls! They specifically requested sizes 10+. Thalia, Carys & my Mom went “thrifting” for plus size dresses & shoes on Sat morning & Thalia even paid with her own money from her new job. I added new dresses & we all cleaned out our closets & drawers for jewelry & evening bags. In all our family has 14 formal dresses, several pairs of shoes, bags & jewelry to drop off tomorrow! My store is also donating several hundred hangers for the 1st fittings with the teen foster girls this week. Excited to be part of this event next month for some well-deserving teens.




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From Wendi in Frisco:

Sophie and I delivered homemade chocolate chip cookies to the custodial staff and cafeteria staff at Bledsoe Elementary! #dammkind




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From Aimee in Frisco:

Today I shared donuts with the staff at Pink Elementary School in honor of Steve. They were all so touched by your story Tyra Damm!💗
#dammkind




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From Amanda in Frisco:

Got this sweet gift from a student to honor a different student’s late father. Steve Damm, I sure wish I had the honor of meeting you. Your kiddos sure are 😁



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From Jenn in Frisco:

Caught up in family visiting, I forgot to share our deeds! We paid for drinks behind us in the Starbucks drive thru and left extra cash tips (on top of the CC tips) for our waitstaff! So much fun (and due to a late start) we'll carry it forward today.



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From Rae in Carrollton: 

I bought this sweet Mom and her darling baby their groceries today at Trader Joe's!  I was able to tell her about honoring Steve and gave her a coupon!!❤️❤️


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From Allison in Frisco/Flower Mound:

Donuts for our patients!


50 Acts of Kindness (12)

From Tracey in Frisco:

Lola spreading kindness to Kim Lohr and staff for taking such good care of her.


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From Ashlea in Frisco:

Such an amazing idea! Here’s Elyse dropping a welcome note in a new neighbor’s mailbox. In the stealth of night. 😁


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From Maria in Richland Hills:

Today I presented our head custodian Sylvia DeLos Santos a Chick-Fil-A gift card. The gift was given in memory of Steve Damm who would have turned 50 on Nov. 4. His life was cut short by brain cancer, but his legacy continues thanks to his wife @tyraleigh72 and her two kids Cooper and Katie. Every year since his passing, they celebrate his birthday with #actsofkindness. Mrs. Sylvia is certainly deserving. She keeps Richland Middle School clean and always does everything with a smile.


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From Karen in Atlanta, Ga.:

Thinking of my friend since the 8th grade - Tyra Damm with an Act of Kindness to remember her husband, Steve Damm. A local Girl Scout Troop will use these donations to sponsor and deliver meals to families on Thanksgiving Day. #dammkind



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From Brae in McKinney:

Festive soap, decor, and candles to staff at school. ❤️



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From Tracy in Frisco:

Flowers and pumpkins to my neighbors.. they’ve been a huge part of our lives and simply wrote a note for them to have a good week. 💕 Thank you for doing this Tyra . Spreading so much love and joy!

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Also from from Tracy in Frisco:

Dropped off school supplies and pumpkins to a 1st year teacher. 🍒

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From Janie in Dallas:

 I sent flowers to a friend.

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From Cindy in Boston, Mass.:

Man in line didnt have enough money for his groceries so I paid the extra. Delivered flowers to one who didn't expect them.

Sunday, November 4, 2018

50 Acts of Kindness (11)

From Ria in Frisco:

Brought a plant and gift card to neighbors that just moved back to Frisco, after relocating for 2 years. Also, made a donation earlier today, to a youth football team. Hoping today has been filled with smiles for the Damm family! #dammkind


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From Dean in Sulphur Springs:

I don’t have a picture, but I need to share this story from this morning.
Each Sunday morning I take Caitlyn (our 13yo) to Starbucks on our way to church. Most of the time we order ahead and then pick it up inside. This morning I told her we were going through the drive-thru instead. When she asked why I told her that today was my friend Steve’s birthday. He would have been 50 today, but he passed away from brain cancer 8 years ago. We are going to honor him and celebrate how much he loved serving people by paying for the car behind us in line. She thought that was pretty cool.
We pulled into Starbucks and nobody pulled behind us for a while and we started to worry, but God had the right truck pull behind us. 😉
I paid on my app for our drinks, then told the server at the window I wanted to buy the drinks for the truck behind us. She told me how much their total was and she scanned my app again. Here’s the God part - I had EXACTLY enough left loaded on my card to pay for their order! 😮💥🎉
Caitlyn and I had fun blessing the truck behind us at Starbucks and I enjoyed sharing the story of Steve with my daughter. Thanks for this amazing day every year, Tyra Damm! Blessings to you, Cooper, and Katie! Thanks for watching out for us, Steve! #dammkind

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From Amy in Colleyville:

As we were leaving Mooyah, we gave a gift card to a young couple with a new baby heading in to eat. It’s always a blessing to be a part of this event honoring Steve’s life.



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From Liz in Frisco:

Donation to American Cancer Society in Steve’s name.

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From Jackie in McKinney:

Treated two cars to dinner at Sonic

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From Shari of Lucas, traveling in Arizona:

Traveling in AZ this weekend. Left a tip for the room cleaning service at the hotel in Flagstaff.



Then stopped in Payson, AZ, and blessed our sweet server, Cherie, with a generous tip.



Oh. And I have my T-shirt on!



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From Kathy in Carrollton:

Tyra, paid for the groceries if the two people behind me at Sprouts and gave them each one of the cards and explained a bit about the event. One woman said she would pray for you and your family.

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From Shilpa in Plano:

Dear Tyra, happy birthday to Steve. My act of kindness contribution: I have offered to pay for my team to attend an educational course that is going to be held in Dallas in December. I will pay registration for the team of 8 people to attend the course. In addition, I have committed a 2,000 dollar educational grant support to a member of our team that myself and few others will select. This person will attend a national conference in movement disorders in Aspen, Colorado in August of 2019. We will go through the selection process over the next few months. The team member will be someone who proves themselves to be exemplary in every way and is a great team player. Lastly, today I offered to fly out with a friend to go evaluate his father in Orange County who has a neurological problem. We will go weekend after next. The Dad has been sick and is not doing as well.