Encouragement

I'm training to run a leg of the relay in next month's White Rock Marathon.

This time last year, Allison and I were running two-hour long runs in preparation for the half. In 2009, though, I haven't had the time or energy to train for 13.1 miles.

In fact, there are many times that I thought I was foolish to sign up for the relay. I'm worn out from so many months of caregiving and grief.

But then I remember this moment, just after I crossed the finish line and was able to hold hands with Steve, who was so proud and so full of joy even though he couldn't join the team running in his honor.


That moment and Steve's spirit are what keep me going.

***

Check the blog again soon for details on ordering this year's Run for Steve shirt. Whether you're running with us, will be cheering from the street or will be with us in spirit, you'll definitely want your own shirt. Layne and Will have created a fun tribute to amazing Steve.

And if you are running and haven't registered, please don't delay! The race is 90 percent full and is expected to sell out within days.

Lately

Last Monday, Cooper raced his Tasmanian Dolphin boat (built with assistance from Layne) in his Cub Scout pack's Rain Gutter Regatta. He huffed and puffed and placed third in his den!

And then Friday he was diagnosed with pneumonia. He had been fighting a cold and asthma-like symptoms that got much worse. We were able to treat his pneumonia with two oral antibiotics at home.

Cooper was devastated to miss board game day in his classroom and the annual autumn Scout camping trip. He was cheered by a cookie bouquet from Sharon and her family; a visit from Grandma; and two days with Uncle Jim, who was going to camp with Cooper but instead watched movies, helped make indoor s'mores and camped out upstairs with Cooper.

Cooper returned to school Tuesday in time to see the awesome One for Books display in the library, part of our school's book fair. All the names on the board represent a child or adult who donated money to be used to buy books for Children's Medical Center in memory of Steve.

Katie decided that she wanted to be extra fancy, like Fancy Nancy, this week and wore her sparkliest shoes and one of her prettiest dresses to preschool.

On Wednesday, I joined her class for a Thanksgiving feast. This place mat includes hand prints from all four of us -- Katie, Cooper, me and Steve. Katie's teacher was thoughtful enough to ask in late August that I trace Steve's hand for this project. I've saved his original hand print as a pattern to use for future projects -- and as a sweet reminder.

Katie and her classmates dressed as pumpkins for the lunch. It was the first preschool Thanksgiving feast without Steve -- one of countless painful firsts. Steve loved attending, never hesitating to reschedule a meeting or take a long lunch in order to sit in a crowded gym, admire handmade centerpieces and eat with Cooper or Katie and me.

Third-graders attended a touring company's opera performance this morning. Cooper put together his ensemble, including blue blazer and bow tie. When he came home this afternoon, I asked how he liked the show, "Three Billy Goats Gruff." His only complaint was that 30 minutes was too short.

While Cooper was at the opera, I was helping Albi, the librarian at Children's Medical Center at Legacy, shop for books. Albi let me choose a couple of Steve favorites -- books featuring Skippyjon Jones and Fancy Nancy. I am so thankful for Suzanne and Nicole (not shown), who organized the book fair and donation, and for all the Bledsoe families and neighbors who contributed.

Gratitude

My friend Mary Jacobs, an amazing mom, friend, journalist and cancer survivor, writes for the United Methodist Reporter, a national newspaper for the United Methodist Church. For this week's issue, she writes about gratitude. (I'm among the many people she interviewed.)

The story is here.

***

Gratitude is especially timely now, of course, with Thanksgiving a week away. Practicing gratitude isn't seasonal, though -- a lesson that Steve taught me and that I continue to experience daily.

After Steve's diagnosis, he woke up every morning and thanked God for the gift of another day. I'm certain that Steve, in whatever way he's able, continues to give thanks for his eternal life.

My prayers to God throughout the day are most often thanks -- for a new day, for Cooper and Katie, for warm memories of Steve (even when they make me cry), for the kind souls who continue to support us and pray for us, for the ability to work from home, for my health, for more resources than we need, for unexpected moments of joy.

***

Until 2007, my favorite holiday was Thanksgiving. I like that it's relatively simple and calm. There aren't a lot of commercial expectations or over-the-top decorations. It's a day to spend with family.

Now, I struggle with the day because of associated memories.

We always spend Thanksgiving at Aunt Ami and Uncle Rich's home in Austin. Our visit in 2007 was one of our last moments as a family before cancer -- at least before we knew about it.

By then Steve and I were concerned about his symptoms (headache, slightly slurred speech, difficulty swallowing, hiccups). On our drive home from Austin, we agreed that he needed to call his physician first thing Monday. Putting all the symptoms together and saying out loud that we thought there was a problem was emotional at the time -- reflecting on it now is even more difficult.

A year later, we returned to Austin. So much had changed -- multiple MRIs, biopsy, diagnosis, radiation, chemotherapy, complications, hospitalizations. And the tumor that had been stable was starting to grow again. Steve's stability was compromised. His fatigue was greater.

We both prayed desperately that we'd have another year. We both understood that that was unlikely. We never gave up hope, but we constantly tried to balance optimism with realism.

And now it's another year later. We will return to Austin, and we will give thanks for our blessings. We will cook and eat our traditional dinner and play and laugh. And weep.

We'll work our way through a meaningful holiday without Steve. As we struggle, I'll continue to give thanks for his life and love and enduring legacy. Practicing gratitude is what gets me through some of my most grief-stricken moments.

Steve and Cooper, New York City, October 2003

Katie's song

The three of us have been battling colds and coughs and sinus infections for a few days now. Cooper stayed home from school Monday (his favorite school day) with a painful cough and asthma-like symptoms. Before his doctor's appointment, we had mine.

The physician's assistant was asking all kinds of questions about Steve (medical providers are particularly curious about onset of symptoms) during my appointment. She commented that life must be difficult for Cooper but that maybe my 4-year-old doesn't really know what's going on.

I tried not to laugh out loud. Maybe the PA doesn't have children and doesn't understand what 4-year-olds are like?

How could Katie not understand what's going on? For almost half of her life, her beloved Daddy was fighting cancer and then he died. His absence is heavy on all of us every day. Thankfully, Katie isn't reserved about expressing her emotions.

She frequently talks about his status as an angel and wonders what he's doing RIGHT NOW in heaven. Is he wearing clothes? Who is he playing with? She and Cooper both frequently ask God and Jesus to say hi to Daddy and to give him hugs.

This morning before preschool she sat at the piano and declared that she would sing a song about Daddy. But in this song she would pretend that Daddy hadn't died.

She played random notes and sang softly:

Daddy, I’m happy
That you are still alive.
Daddy, I love you,
I love you so much.
I love whenever Margie licks you.
I love you, Daddy, when the trees have different color leaves.
Daddy, I like it when you brush my teeth.
Daddy, I’m happy you’re not going to die in this song.
Daddy, I love you so much.

Steve and Katie, the morning of her baptism, September 2005

Books for Children's

I love how Steve's life continues to affect the lives of others.

Our elementary school's book fair begins this week. During each book fair, students are asked to donate $1 or more to help buy books for children who really need them. It's called the One for Books program.

Our friends Nicole and Suzanne co-chair book fair for the PTA this year. They suggested that, in memory of Steve, One for Books benefit Children's Medical Center, his employer for the last nine years of his life.

So, all the money donated during the book fair will purchase books for the hospital's new campus, Children's Medical Center at Legacy, just a few miles from our home.

I like to close my eyes and imagine how Steve's face would have glowed with joy had he known that books were being donated in his name. He would have placed his right hand over his heart and sighed. There would have been happy tears in his eyes. (Just as there are tears in my eyes right now.)

Guest blogger Liz: T-shirts and runners

1. The White Rock Marathon is now 80 percent full. If you plan on running the half or full, please register. Online registration will close on Nov. 29, and the race has sold out in the past.

2. We have two full relay teams and a third that needs a few more runners. If you are interested in running a few miles as part of a team, please let me know by this Thursday, Nov. 12. E-mail me at runforsteve@gmail.com.

3. We are still working on the new T-shirts. If you would like to purchase a Run for Steve shirt -- whether you're running or not -- please e-mail me at runforsteve@gmail.com with your size.

Thanks! -- Liz

Friends

Wednesday's celebration of Steve's birthday was perfect -- the weather, the mood, the people gathered. (Though we missed many of you who just couldn't make it to Frisco so early in the evening.)

Steve's spirit was definitely among us. No doubt he was smiling and laughing, enjoying the company of family and dear friends.

Layne captured beautiful images. I am so thankful that we'll be able to reminisce over the photos in the years to come.

I am also thankful for friends who handled so many details of the day -- Liz, Zena, Jason, Andy, Mary, Shilpa and Kris.

My Briefing column today focuses on the importance of friendship, modeled daily by so many friends of the Damm family.

***

The love of friends makes life's milestones sweeter

As the sun was setting Wednesday afternoon, about 60 friends and family members gathered on a hill in our neighborhood park to wish Steve a happy birthday.

Steve – my late husband, father of our two children, son, brother and dearly missed friend and colleague – would have turned 41.

Our grief is still raw. He died just two months ago from complications of brain cancer, and the permanence of his absence hasn't become completely real yet, though it sets a little more each day.

We've always celebrated birthdays with gusto. Steve and I were a great team in throwing parties – collaborating on themes, invitations and cake. (I would bake; he would decorate. All cakes coming from our home now won't be near as pretty.) There was no question that we'd celebrate Steve's first birthday in heaven, but I had no idea what to do.

One of the grief counselors we work with suggested a balloon release. I loved the idea and imagined the kids and I and Steve's parents letting go of a dozen balloons.

That small plan didn't last long. I also wanted Cooper and Katie to be surrounded by what has become our extended family – an incredible group of friends who helped to sustain us through Steve's brutal cancer journey and who continue to support us as we navigate life after such a tragic loss.

We extended the invitation to anyone who wanted to join us. By 5:30 p.m., the park was crowded with the children who make my own children happy and the adults who constantly remind me of the gifts of friendship.

Cooper played with boys he's known for at least half his life. They watched for fish at the edge of the pond and climbed on jungle gyms and ran and hollered with carefree abandon.

When it was time to get quiet and reflect on Steve's life and death, one of Cooper's best buddies was at his side. They bowed their heads and folded their hands in prayer.

After the release, a group of friends surrounded Cooper. They laid flat on their backs to watch as the balloons and attached notes to Steve disappeared into the still sky. Then silliness ruled again, and they ran around until darkness set in.

For me, the afternoon was about honoring Steve, acknowledging his enduring spirit and sharing the special moment with loved ones. And I expect that someday Cooper and Katie will feel the same way.

But in the moment, what seemed to matter most to them was that they were among friends – the people with whom they feel comfortable and who make them feel good about themselves and who help create warm memories.

Life is just better when you're surrounded by the people who find similar enjoyment and share common interests. There's great joy in finding true friends who don't necessarily share all of your beliefs but still find a way to bridge the differences.

And the challenges that we all face are easier when the burden is shared among people we love.

Tyra Damm is a Briefing columnist. E-mail her at tyradamm@gmail.com.

More from the service

I'm continuing to add pieces from Steve's memorial service to YouTube. You can also find links on the top right corner of the blog. Here are the six so far.

Part 1 (includes "In This Room")
Part 2 (includes "Safe Within Your Arms")
Part 3 (includes children's time)
Part 4 ("It Is Well With My Soul")
Part 5 (includes Will's remarks)
Part 6 (Will's remarks continued, "Order My Steps")

***

Melissa, my best friend since eighth grade, wrote about Steve in honor of his birthday. The link is here.

Happy birthday, sweet angel Steve

Part of the note I attached to my balloon for Steve

Part of the crowd gathered, just before the release

Cooper, super son

Katie, super daughter

Balloons for Steve's 41st birthday and his first in heaven

Chocolate cake for us and Jim and Betty

***

Meanwhile, Uncle Jim was on the road to Florida, where he released these balloons.

***

Also, our dear friend Layne took beautiful photos. The link is here. I'll share a few on the blog later this week, when I write more details about our marvelous afternoon.

Thanks to all of you who spent time with us today to remember Steve!

***

Neices Molli and Brooke and friend Emily released balloons in Anna.

Steve's birthday eve

Wednesday afternoon we'll celebrate Steve's first birthday in heaven. You're welcome to join us. Click here for details.

***

I've started uploading audio from the memorial service. It seems appropriate to begin sharing such a joyful celebration of Steve's life on the eve of his 41st birthday.

Click here to listen to the first nine minutes of the beautiful service, which features the combined choirs of Holy Covenant and Schreiber Memorial United Methodist Churches.

This will be a multi-part process, so check back often for more excerpts. (YouTube accepts clips of 10 minutes or less, which is actually best for me. This is an emotional process.)

Guest blogger Liz: Run for Steve

The Dallas White Rock Marathon is less than six weeks away!

Now is the time to firm up what you are running (relay, half or full) and get ready to run for Steve.

The race is 65 percent full. If you're running the half or full and haven't registered, please do so. If you would like to be on a relay team, let me know.

We will be wearing a new shirt this year -- thanks to Will for the great idea! The shirts will be an uplifting tribute to our dear friend Steve. More information about the shirts will be coming in the next week or so.

I look forward to seeing many familiar faces at the race this year as well as many new ones. This will be a nice way to feel close to Steve, doing something he loved so much ... running!

Please let me know if you have any questions. You can e-mail me at runforsteve@gmail.com.

-- Liz

Standing still

It would be so easy to be paralyzed by grief.

After spending 15 years of marriage with Steve, there's nothing in my daily life that doesn't evoke a memory of my one true love. If I were to examine every detail, I would truly become paralyzed -- unable to make a decision, unable to move forward. I would just stand still.

For many reasons -- most importantly Cooper and Katie -- standing still isn't an option. So all day long, every day, I try to strike a balance.

Take the calendars in the house, for example.

Today we changed the monthly calendars from October to November -- another month away from September. Turning the pages isn't easy, as the simple motion is a physical reminder of the time that has passed since Steve passed away.

There's one calendar that won't change, though. Every year I keep a Mary Engelbreit day-by-day calendar in the kitchen. It used to be my ritual to tear off the page each morning, a small gesture to acknowledge the new day.

The 2009 version that sits near the kitchen sink still shows Sept. 5/6. I can't bear to tear off that page to reveal Sept. 7. I can't bear to physically acknowledge the many days that have passed since the extraordinary morning that Steve's body stopped working.

I expect that by Jan. 1, 2010, I'll be ready to tuck away the calendar, with Sept. 7 through Dec. 31 still intact. And I hope to be able to start a new calendar.

Trying new things is as difficult as keeping the same habits.

Cooper, Katie and I eat out about once a week. When we choose a restaurant that we're familiar with, I of course think of Steve. My inner dialogue goes something like this: "We sat at that table last time we were all here together. Steve ordered this menu item. We laughed about such-and-such."

I'm reluctant to try a new restaurant. It makes complete sense that the rest of the world will change and evolve and grow and that I will do the same, but it's so difficult to acknowledge that. It's difficult to experience something new and know that I won't be able to share it with Steve. So much of our relationship was based on sharing with each other what we'd learned when we were apart.

Yesterday I cooked one of Steve's favorite vegetarian dishes -- tamale pie -- for our Halloween dinner with Jim, Betty and Uncle Jim. I made it about once a month every fall and winter for the past seven or eight years.

Preparing the dish and eating the dish were tangible reminders of sweet Steve. Like so much during this grieving journey (a journey that's barely begun), it was bittersweet. How could I possibly make one of Steve's favorite recipes without him here to enjoy it? But how could I not? The aroma of the dish as it baked evoked such strong emotion -- so much love, so much wistfulness.

I frequently remind myself that Steve fully expects us to continue exploring, living and loving life. But sometimes even that knowledge isn't enough to take away the crushing pain of his absence. It's all part of the journey.

Love

Friday morning Katie and I were spending special time together before her gymnastics class.

We were reading a Disney version of Tarzan when she placed her hand on my arm and said, "Mommy, I need to cuddle with you because I'm sad that Daddy died, and you have lots of Daddy's love in you."

Katie as Tinkerbell and Cooper as Davy Crockett -- both filled with lots of Daddy love

Steve's birthday: New time

Steve's 41st birthday is next Wednesday, Nov. 4.

We're remembering the awesome Superman Steve with a balloon release at our neighborhood park and hope you can join us.

Here's the problem. Last week I told you we'd gather at 6 p.m. But sunset will be about 5:30 p.m. because of the end of Daylight Savings Time.

So, we need to gather at 5:15 p.m. instead. I'm really sorry if this excludes folks who are driving to Frisco after work.

We'll have note cards available at the park, in case you want to write a note to attach to your balloon. And we hope to have one balloon per person. This will be more easily achieved if I have an idea of who is coming.

If you think you'll be able to attend the little celebration in honor of Steve, please e-mail me at tyradamm@gmail.com.

• 5:15 p.m. Wednesday, Nov. 4
• Playground/park at the corner of Hunters Creek and Hidden Creek, Frisco

Grief bursts

Valerie, the hospice grief counselor who visits in our home every other week, often talks about grief bursts -- moments that overwhelm us.

The past week was filled with grief bursts around here.

***

I've learned that seemingly "easy" Steve-related tasks are best performed with a loved one nearby. A couple of weeks ago I was alone when I picked up copies of death certificates from the county office.

I was not prepared for how difficult it would be to see the cause of death, time, date, location, etc., in print. After I picked up the 20 copies, I hurried out of the office, sat in the minivan and sobbed, taking care to not get the official documents damp -- I don't want to make a return visit unless absolutely necessary.

Since then I've asked for help. Tuesday, for example, I filed for Social Security survivor benefits at the McKinney field office. Melane was able to meet me there, providing great comfort as I answered straightforward yet still-emotional facts about Steve's life and death.

Monday morning I'll have Liz and Zena by my side as I answer questions before a judge during a brief probate hearing at the Denton County Courthouse.

***

Just after I got home from the Social Security outing Tuesday, my laptop computer completely failed -- at the same time I was expected to log in to the Dallas Morning News system to begin an editing-from-home shift.

I tried all my old tricks, and nothing worked.

My usual backup plan is to use Steve's laptop. His was a work-issued computer, though, and is no longer here.

My next backup is our aging desktop computer. It no longer connects to our wireless network, though -- something that Steve was expert at fixing.

When I called Nicole to tell her that I would be unable to work, I burst into tears. Steve would have been able to help me find a solution, and without him I felt overwhelmed.

(In truth, I have Uncle Jim via telephone and many friends nearby available to help. But it's not the same as having my own resident IT expert. And I irrationally want absolutely nothing to change -- no electronics purchases, no changes to Windows 7 -- in Steve's absence.)

***

A few months ago I received an e-mail from Angie, a woman about my age who is caring for her dad. He is fighting a brain tumor, and his name is Steve. We've since corresponded frequently.

Angie's dad isn't doing well this week -- he's requiring more frequent doses of morphine and other comfort drugs -- and her family is never far from my thoughts.

I think that their situation has triggered more frequent recollections about Steve's final hours. I remember so many details from that Sunday and early Monday morning. But I couldn't remember if I had told Steve that I love him while he was still conscious -- and if so, had he heard me? Had he responded?

I spoke on the phone with Gretchen and later Melane. They reminded me that I had held his face in my hands as I told him, "I love you." And he definitely heard me.

***

Katie has been struggling the past couple of weeks. She's had more outbursts, more extreme 4-year-old behavior.

Her bursts are completely understandable. She's had no control over the past two years of her life -- half of her life. And now it's painfully obvious that her Daddy isn't coming back.

I'm offering her choices whenever possible and employing all of my dealing-with-a-preschooler tricks with varied success. And I'm continuing to give both Cooper and Katie multiple opportunities to express their feelings. We talk a lot about not keeping things bottled inside -- I think she's actually listening.

***

Our hospice grief session was Tuesday afternoon. After Lisa and Valerie leave, there is always a Cooper meltdown of some sort. It's as if he needs a "reset" -- a big breakdown followed by a couple of days of less anxiety.

He was sobbing about how life is unfair. And that if God had really cared about Daddy, God would have cured him of cancer.

***

Cooper talked more about Steve this weekend than he usually does without prompting.

Just before bedtime, he told me he was so sad about D-A-D-D-Y. "Bad things happen in this world. You don't always see it coming," our little philosopher said.

Then during his nighttime prayer he said, "God, please tell Daddy hi from me and save a good spot in heaven for me, Mommy and Katie."

***

Katie and Cooper, before church this morning

Despite these bursts, we are continuing to function and most of the time live joyfully.

Every day is a victory. We get out of bed every day. We eat (though admittedly I need to do a more consistent job of this myself), Cooper and Katie get to school on time, I get my work done. We socialize. We share our joys and sorrows at the end of the day. We make plans for the future. We are doing our best to honor Steve.

Katie, Saturday morning after she scored her first-ever soccer goal (photo by Layne Smith)

Save the date

Steve's 41st birthday is Nov. 4.

Our family is celebrating and remembering Steve with a balloon release that evening, and we welcome loved ones and friends to join us.

I'll have more details next week, but for now:

• 6 p.m. Wednesday, Nov. 4
• Playground/park at the corner of Hunters Creek and Hidden Creek, Frisco

Old haunts

Steve loved art. His favorite was modern, though he appreciated all kinds. He also loved sculpture and dreamed of creating his own bronze works.

He especially loved the Nasher Sculpture Center, a beautiful oasis in downtown Dallas. When the two of us would go alone, we would linger around each piece, and Steve would study angles, imagine technique, admire the surrounding trees and grass.

When we attended as a family, we would walk (or run) more quickly, spending more time with the whimsical pieces and exploring the grounds themselves -- ponds, bamboo, fountain. We'd also sit in the James Turrell skyscape and talk about the sky.

On one trip we even met Raymond Nasher himself. (He passed away in 2007.)

Cooper, Katie and Melissa

Yesterday, the three of us plus Melissa (who was in town to visit and help all weekend) returned.

The arts district now features two gorgeous additions -- the Winspear Opera House and Wyly Theater. We spent a couple of hours at the celebratory open house, watching a few performances (including a pianist in the opera house), snacking and walking through the Nasher.

I always feel Steve with me, but his presence was even stronger while I walked those familiar garden pathways. I loved that Cooper and Katie admired one of Steve's favorites -- a Henry Moore piece -- before I even had a chance to tell them what it meant to Daddy.

And just look at the joy in these two faces.

Legoland

Three times Steve and I had planned to take Cooper and Katie to Legoland -- spring break 2008 (California), June 2009 (England) and July 2009 (California).

All three trips were canceled. We didn't dwell on the missed opportunities -- Cooper and Katie didn't even know about one of them.

About a month ago I decided that we would try one more time. After Steve passed away, I felt strongly that the three of us needed a change of scenery and routine (though we don't yet know what our new routine is exactly). Legoland seemed the ideal choice.

Even though we'd be going without Steve, I knew he would approve.

We left Saturday (just as I was recovering from H1N1 flu) and returned late Tuesday. We had a wonderful vacation together.

(The trip wasn't without trouble. I left my wallet at home and required a heroic rescue from Layne, who delivered my driver's license and credit card just in enough time for us to make the flight. The rental car's GPS device didn't work. Nothing like a little drama to make you appreciate everything that goes well!)

We spent two full days at Legoland -- roller coasters, playgrounds, shows, exhibits built entirely of Legos, an aquarium. We also spent some time at the beach, watching the sun set over the Pacific and chasing waves. (You can see more photos here and here.)

The folks at the Sheraton Carlsbad Resort & Spa treated us very well. I had worked with them earlier this year, making sure that they could accommodate Steve's special needs. They were gracious when we had to cancel at the last minute and so welcoming when I contacted them again after Steve passed away. When we arrived the first night, they had milk and cookies waiting for us plus stuffed animals for Cooper and Katie and park passes for the three of us.

We spoiled ourselves with a few room service meals. In fact, when we ate breakfast downstairs one day, Cooper was exasperated. "Why do we have to leave our room to eat?!" I explained that most people leave their rooms to eat and that room service is a wonderful luxury.

It was nice to be so spoiled for a couple of days.

Leaving town didn't mean that we left behind our sadness over Steve's death. We talked about him frequently. I thought of him just about every moment -- how much he would have loved riding Coastersaurus or watching Katie dance or watching Cooper build a car of Legos or just resting in the hotel room after a full day at the park.

On the drive from the airport to the hotel, I felt a slight moment of panic. I was in a faraway city with our children, driving in the dark -- without Steve. He wasn't there to drive or navigate from the passenger seat. He wasn't there to help take bags out of the car or admire the view from our balcony.

Flying home was especially difficult, too. We'd escaped reality for just a few days. Going home again would be another reminder of our most tragic loss.

Despite the bittersweet emotions, I am proud of the three of us -- setting out on adventure, solving problems together, making new memories and doing our best to honor Steve.

Not knowing

In February 2007, Steve developed Bell's palsy.

A couple of nights after a scarily high fever, he woke up with the right side of his face feeling "funny." He couldn't drink his morning coffee without dribbling. By early afternoon, the entire right side of his face had fallen and wouldn't move.

We spent a few hours in the emergency room and eventually received the diagnosis of Bell's palsy.

About four weeks later, his symptoms were mostly resolved.

I have no doubt that that episode was the harbinger of the Damm Spot -- a signal from his body that something unusual was taking place in his brain.

Typical standard of care is to order an MRI if symptoms haven't resolved within a month.

For a long while, I lamented that we didn't insist on an MRI back in early 2008. I thought, "If only we had known that a tumor was growing. If only we had had a baseline image."

I've since realized that not knowing was for the best.

I'm not sure that knowing would have changed Steve's prognosis. We were never going to be able to operate on the tumor. More than likely we would have been paralyzed by the fear of the tumor, always on edge, always wondering if it was growing.

I don't think we would have lived life quite so fully had we lived with that fear.

And we had a great time from March to November 2007.

We spent spring break in Florida, spending time with Matthew and Gretchen, going to the beach, taking Cooper and Katie to Animal Kingdom.

We adopted Margie from a Scottie rescue group.

Katie's 2nd birthday party

We celebrated birthdays and holidays with friends and family.

We danced the "chicken dance" at Bavarian Grill.

We spent an adventurous day in Glen Rose.

I traveled to Shanghai with Jackie and Sydney, leaving everyone else behind for a week.

Cooper and Steve on a copper mine tour near Calumet, Mich.

We traveled to Wisconsin and Michigan, never wasting a moment on the Upper Peninsula or Mackinac Island or in Milwaukee.

Steve ran as part of a 12-person team in the Wild West Relay, helping run 195 miles through Colorado.

Steve and Katie, ECDP spirit night

Katie started preschool.

Cooper became a Cub Scout, with the best Scout daddy ever by his side.

Steve and I attended his 20-year high school reunion.

We all ran in the Gary Burns Fun Run.

I wrote a chapter for Fodor's guidebook to Texas, often taking Cooper, Katie and Steve along on adventures all over Dallas and Fort Worth.

Before the parade

We attended the Adolphus Neiman Marcus Christmas parade with dear friends.

We lived joyfully, without fear or an impending sense of doom or constant worry.

Steve and I were incredibly thankful for our shared life during his cancer journey -- partly because we were so incredibly thankful for all we had shared in the years before. And that includes the few months when the tumor was growing, when we didn't even know it was there.

One month

Cooper, Steve and baby Katie, November 2005

It's been one month since Steve passed away. I miss everything about him.

His smile, his laugh, the way he would mockingly scowl

His hands, his eyebrows

The way he danced

How much he loved washing dishes

His wicked sense of humor

His patience

How he doted on our children

How he unabashedly cried out of joy or sorrow

His eclectic taste in music and literature

How he could perform the entire SNL parody song "Lazy Sunday"

His knowledge of Greek and Norse mythology

How he'd root for Michigan on football Saturdays

His meticulous record-keeping of all his practice runs

How he liked to tell people he wished his name was "Sven"

My list could go on for days.

I know I'm not alone. Feel free to list in the comments what you miss about amazing Steve.

Steve in Miami, a few years before we met

Tasmanian Dolphins

I wrote a couple of weeks ago about the team idea for the three of us.

Kevin (a dear friend from church who also designed this blog's charming template) wasted no time in designing a logo for the Tasmanian Dolphins.

He also offered to get shirts made for us. Cooper nixed the idea of T-shirts that we would wear in public but approved the idea of a night shirt.

Mike and Rose (also sweet friends from church) own an EmbroidMe franchise and made the shirts for us. Kevin's fun logo is on the front, and each of us has our name on the back.

Cooper and Katie, early Monday morning before school

Every few nights, the three of us wear our shirts on the same night. They are tangible reminders of our goals and the importance of our work together.

Reminder of our goals, on a dry-erase board near Cooper's and Katie's bedrooms

Drawing a crowd

We continue to be cared for and supported by an amazing group of family and friends. Take a slice of Saturday, for example.

Brae, Cooper, Angie, Kelly and Jess, after Cooper's game (during which he lost a loose tooth)

Cooper's soccer game drew a big crowd. Aunt Ami (who spoiled the three of us for a full week), Uncle Jim (in town from Houston), Michael (dear friend from college who was visiting from D.C.), Brae (Cooper's teacher), Angie (Cooper's guidance counselor), Jess (a teacher from Cooper's school), Kelly (former assistant principal from Cooper's school), plus Katie and me.

Ami, Jim, Michael, Katie, Liz, Tyra and Noe

Ami, Jim and Michael stayed after Cooper's game for a picnic and to help me keep track of Cooper and Katie while we waited for team photos and Katie's game. As always, Layne and Liz (longtime friends and parents of superstar Noe) help us during Katie's games.

We are incredibly thankful for the continued prayers and support from so many of you. Cooper, Katie and I take great comfort in the physical, spiritual and emotional reminders that we are not alone.

Connection

In second grade and again this year, Cooper has been encouraged to make text-to-text and text-to-self connections when reading.

When he works in his reading journal, he'll often write a note about how something in the book he's reading reminds him of something he's read before or something that's happened in his life. (If a story mentions ice cream, without a doubt Cooper will write about our summer 2007 vacation to Mackinac Island. We ate ice cream at least once a day.)

This afternoon Cooper found two worms on the back porch -- one much longer than the other. He called the bigger one the daddy and the smaller one the son.

The bigger one had already died. The smaller one was still alive.

Cooper came into the house for a plastic cup to cover up the daddy.

As he told Aunt Ami and me about the worms and how sad he was, he interrupted himself.

"This is a life-to-self connection."